19th Aug 2011 Some Of Oscar Wilde's Quips

Oscar Wilde is one of my favourite writer, poet, dramatist, script writer, philosopher, and humorist. I adore his sarcasm as well; he can make that passed off as flattery or admiration, and some people never realized they had in fact been insulted!

 

• There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.
• But what is the difference between literature and journalism? Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.
• We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
• There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.
• To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
• We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
• An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
• Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
• The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
• Genius is born - not paid.
• If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
• One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
• The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.
• To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
• Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.
• I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.
• There is no sin except stupidity.
• A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?

     'Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde. 

Tags: oscarwildeguips

Prev: 19th Aug 2011 Giggles - Now Something Slighty Different

19th Aug 2011 Giggles - Now Something Slightly Different

To paraphrase that great comic Monty Python, 'Now for something slightly different'. Here are amusing, even clever, plays on words. These are the sort of jokes that make you smile rather than laugh.

 

* A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

* When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

* Acupuncture is a jab well done.

* Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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Marriage Shorts:

* Nicky: I'm a man of few words.

Mike: I'm married, too.

* The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'

* A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.

* If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

* My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Tags: montypython, marriage

Prev: 19th Aug 2011 The Water Bowl - Why Do We Forward Jokes?

19th Aug 2011 The Water Bowl - Why We Forward Jokes?

The water bowl explains why we forward jokes:
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

 
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he got close enough, he called out,

'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, Sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog..

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?''Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.''How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog ...'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog ... When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.'Well, that's confusing, the traveller said. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.
''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

So ...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.... Maybe this will explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. 


Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. 


So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today, and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl any time!

Tags: jokes, waterbowl

Prev: 18th Aug 2011 Too Much Or Too Little Comuting?