11th Sept 2011 Sarcastic & Contradictory Humour 3

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, they called it golf.

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity."

 

Tags: contradictory3, sarcastic

Prev: 11th Sept 2011 Sarcastic & Contradictory Humour 2

11th Sept 2011 Sarcastic & Contradictory Humour 2

• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
• Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
• A good pun is its own reward.
• Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humour?
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
• I have friends who swear they dream in colour ... It's just a pigment of their imagination.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Tags: contradictory2, sarcastic

Prev: 11th Sept 2011 Sarcastic & Contradictory Humour

11th Sept 2011 Sarcastic & Contradictory Humour

• Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
• Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
• Chastity is curable, if detected early.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• There's no future in time travel.

Tags: sarcastic, contradictory

Prev: 11th Sept 2011 Idle Talk ...

11th Sept 2011 Idle Talk ...

• Two women are talking. One asks the other what's the best form of birth control after the age of 50. The other says: 'Nudity'.
• Two men are talking. One asks the other if he knows why women's work is never done. The other has no idea. The 1st one explains: 'They don't get up early enough.'
• Wife asks husband: 'What are you doing today?' 'Nothing' says the husband. 'You did that yesterday!' says the wife. 'I hadn't finished.' he replied.
• Two old folks are talking. One remarks to the other: 'When you think about it, God has to be the best inventor of all times. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.'
• One dog says to another: 'Now I ask you, what kind of best friend would remove your testicles?'
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Tags: idletalk

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