1st April 2012 Funny Employee Evaluation

• A prime candidate for natural de-selection. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargles.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.
• When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Then he fell out of the family tree.
• A room temperature I.Q. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

 

Tags: staffevaluation

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1st April 2012 Open Message To All Staff

NEW HR BOSS ~

Human Resources: Distribution: ALL STAFF 

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada trainers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: 

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

HOLIDAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The holidays are as follows: January 1 & December 25

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ' A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ' B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the ' trap' door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ' Chronic Offenders' category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Tags: hrconditions

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1st April 2012 Ziggy Stardust 40 Years On ...

As time passes I am more & more convinced that the most evergreen Pop star is David Bowie. Or, at least, the one that has remained almost the same and popular as ever, now at the age of 65. Let's see, his more or less contemporaries, Mick Jagger, doesn't seem to have the energy to hop about on the stage in florescent leotard any more and, Paul McCarney? He has become a lovable professional but his new songs, I am not sure whether I prefer them to be more his old style or not. Lou Reed? I rather not say anything. I know some other names who know how to grow old with musical dignity: Marianne Faithful, Bob Dylan, Iggy Pop, Patti Smith, Bryan Ferry ... all of them share something of the white duke, be it discretion, charisma or glamour.

This week David Bowie returns to demonstrate his well reserved profile. There's a plaque in London commemorating 40 years of his extraordinary disc The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, but the musician didn't appear in the event. The plaque was put on the street that appears in the cover sleeve of his disc where Bowie, in 1972, with blue suit, guitar and platformed boots, posed in the light of a classic street lamp. It could have been easy for him to make his appearance, surrounded with die-hard fans, but he chose moderation, showing his appreciation at a distance.

During that party in London, Gary Kemp talked about the impact of the disc when it was published, and referring to Ziggy as one of the great fiction characters of London, side by side with Dorian Grey or Alex, antiheroes of the Mechanical Orange. Ziggy was born as a conceptual album, a dreamlike narrative in 11 songs that gave rise to a radical turn of pop music in the 70's. It seems it might just carry on for that many more years.

Tags: bowie, stardust

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