Rita Hayworth Is Staying Alive, & Very Much So!

Dieting Is A Weight Of Life - Ode To January

Ode To January ~

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; the gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt -

I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick. I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore. But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

The Hard Facts Are ~

1) It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.

2) The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

3) The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

4) An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.

Tag:Ode,Diet

• Current Mood: awake

Automatic Customer Service

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting the next day, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, Manicures $20. Why not? he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents. He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member ... which now had a neatly sewn button on the end.

Tags:CustomerService

• Current Mood: amused

The Priest And The Nun

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a religious convention trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed."

Nun: "I think that would be okay."

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest: "You're probably right ... get up and get your own blanket."

Tags: priest, nun

• Current Mood: amused

Thieves, Authorities, Fools

Can't remember exactly in which country of Europe, not long ago, a man had to appear before court of justice, to defend himself for having photographed with his mobile, some young men who had attacked him. These photos had to be eventually eliminated by court decision because, according to the law, they violated the privacy of these youngsters. Which means even though the photos show exactly how he was being beaten up, when, and whom by, the court would not allow these as proof of evidence. Only fairly recently in England, a similar case was published by the Daily Mail. The protagonist was a 61 year old man, who has an orchard where he planted potatoes, onions, beet-roots and asparagus. During the course of 4 months, thieves had entered 3 times and robbed him of potatoes, onions, beet-roots, asparagus, garden tools, and sets of implements. He got so fed up of it happening so frequently that after the 3rd time, he enclosed his orchard with stake fences with spiky wires all over. Then he received the district town hall's written warning, ordering him to remove all the offensive fences, for reasons of 'public health and security'. Which is to say so that the robbers can enter without hurting themselves! The Man reasoned with the district council, that these stakes and wires were not installed in the middle of the street, but within his own private property, and that only people who enter illegally would be scratched by the prickly prongs, and these were just wired fences, not piranha pits. The reply he got was quite spectacular: ' We are very sorry, but we can't risk putting ourselves in the situation, where the thieves are in the right, to denounce against such a fence that could cause anyone injury.' The Man countered: ' Then tell the thieves to denounce me, so that at least I will then know who had entered my property and robbed me!' No way. Maybe it's time to realize that there are idiots on all levels of the so called civility. Or authority. That the bad options for many are comforts to some fools. Tags: robbers,orchard,piranha

• Current Mood: cynical