My Curriculum Vitae

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job. 

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting. 

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
 

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. 

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. 

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell. 

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking. 

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Tag:curriculumvitae

Current Mood: Amused

The Wallet - A Short Story

** The Wallet

A poor Jew finds a wallet with £700 in it. He reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a £50 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.

The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had £750 in it when I lost it."

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the Rabbi. Both men present their case.

The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying,

"Rabbi, I trust you believe me."
"Of course." The Rabbi says. The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Rabbi takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.

"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.
The Rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had £750 in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with £750 in it!"

Tags:honesty,wallet

Current Mood: Amused

What A Coincidence!

** The Heat Wave
One hot summer’s day in Golders Green, Jack Gold steps out of his shower and says to his wife, Hette, “It’s just too hot to wear any clothes today, honey. What do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn without anything on?”
Hette replies, “That I married you for your money.”

** The Lawyer's Fees

Morris walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£150 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked Morris.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

 

** The large family

Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And mum would say, “What?”

** The Accident

One day, Moishe is crossing the street and gets knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, an ambulance is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Moishe and a pillow under his head and asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
Moishe looks up and says, "Well, I make a living!"

** What A coincidence!

Moishe and Bernie are walking down Regents Street when Moishe suddenly says to Bernie, "Don't look! Don't look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"

Tags:coincidence

Current Mood: Amused

The Epigram

Even though I know what an epigram is, to be surer, I consulted the dictionary, which defines the word as: A brief, pointed, often antithetical saying, or a short poem, usually satirical, the last line of which often contains an unexpected change of thought or biting comment.

The reason of my taking all that trouble to find out the meaning (I nearly never look at a dictionary; too lazy) is that I saw the publicity of a typical Spanish restaurant advertising a dish called 'Epigrama' and I couldn't figure out why this word should have anything to do with food. Reading further I saw that this is something like the famous British dish roasted 'Crown of lamb' - the whole rack of ribs of lamb, bent to form into the shape of a crown, with the end of each rib bone wrapped in foil then capped with a frilly paper hat of a chef. A classy dish usually served on special occasions.

Presumably the Spanish do it the same or similar way according to the picture they show. I just wonder how many people know the origin of the unusual name given to this dish.

Apparently, in the middle of the 18 century a young, beautiful but ignorant Marchioness heard how one of her guests relate how the night before he had dined in Count Baudreuil's, and enjoyed tremendously some epigrams. So she ordered her chef Michelet to serve this delightful dish the following evening.

The chef Michelet moved sky and earth trying to find out what it was and how to cook it but finally discovered that it was actually an error the Marchioness had made. Her guest was not talking about food but poetry. Clever as he was not to shame the mistress, he served the Crown of lamb the following evening. All Guest were delighted and inquired about the name of this dish. Without blinking an eye he answered: 'Epigrames d'agneau a la Michelet'.

Everyone laughed. The very happy Marchioness remained ignorant of the fact that she had inadvertently created a memorable gastronomic triumph.

Tags:epigram.lamb

Current Mood: Accomplished