British Humour

Tourist: Can you tell me the way to Bath please? Policeman: Well, first you turn on the hot and cold taps then ... Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged. Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith. There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey. A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that." "Why not?" asked the customer. "Because that's my husband." A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have fish and chips twice please?' The shop owner says, 'I heard you the first time.' A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. "Well," mused Pat, "It's life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Johnny. "Its wise never to book a judge by his cover." A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.' A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden ... After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him... "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.. "Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes Sir", replied the young fellow," But my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one"... A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, "but I think it's the one in the coffin." Tags:britishhumour

Current Mood: Amused

Watson's Logic And Holmes Humour

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and
nudged his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Tags:Logic,Humour

Current Mood: Amused

Infernal Comedy

A concert of arias of Vivaldi, Mozart and Haydn recreated the latest theatrical adventure of John Malkovich, playing Jack Unterweger, a notorious serial killer who, between 1990 to 1992, assassinated at least 9 prostitutes in Austria, in the Czech Republic and in the United States. It's classified as comedy. How can any serial killing be a comedy beats me.

The musical-spectacle production, 'The infernal comedy - Confessions of a serial assassin', opened on Wednesday in Vienna, about the criminal in the infernal hell telling the story of his life, with comical touches in the style of Woody Allen. As counterpoint, the sopranos that represent those women who had the misfortune of crossing the path of the killer, sing classics, like Sposa, Vivaldi and Beethoven, amongst others, about bad treatments of women.

In 1974, Unterweger was condemned to life imprisonment for having strangled a young woman. While in jail he began to write and his text were appreciated by intellectuals of the German language. These soon created a committee, presenting solicitation to commute his sentence. He left prison a free man in 1989 but, within 6 months, a strangled prostitute was discovered. In her underwear, a peculiar knot was found, the same signature sign left on all his previous 9 murders, He was once again condemned to life imprisonment and, in 1994, he committed suicide in his cell. This confirms the supposition that most serial killers, when out of prison for his repeated killing, will near certainty kill again.

Malkovich was given long standing ovation by the audience. His own view of the case is that the society, and the law, had failed in this case causing yet more murders. "Those urging to save Unterweger should be put on trial" he said. I agree.

The 'Infernal comedy' will be part of the scheduled programmes of the annual festival of Castell de Pererada, the local casino of Roses, practically right at my doorstep.

Tags:serialkillers.comedy

Current Mood: Contemplative

Tigers, Birds And Tippi Hedren

The veteran actress Tippi Hedren had such a hard time in Alfred Hitchcock's film, with all those wild birds coming down from the sky like battalions preparing for brutal attack. But she didn't learn her lesson. In 2005 she decided to take charge of 2 tigers that Michael Jackson had in the private zoo in his Neverland Ranch.

Tippi told the AFP agency that she had sat down with the tigers Thriller & Sabu, for a while then told them Michael had gone. She added that although she couldn't be sure how much telepathy exists between people and animals, nor how close the relationship was between Michael and his many animals, but she hoped the tigers understood they would never see him again.

As much an animal lover as herself and always doing all she can to defend their rights, she had frightful experiences with first the birds 'of Hitchcock', so exhausted and horrified after that scene of attack, she had broken down in the middle of the shoot and cried. Then she cried again later, this time even more terrifying, in 1981, when shooting the 'Roar', in which Tippi was both the producer and star, also appeared in it her daughter Melanie Griffith. It tells a story of a zoologists who shared his life with lions, tigers, leopards and jaguars. Once again during the shoot, about a dozen of these animals suddenly decided to chase and attack all those who were present, including Tippi.

It's then that Tippi had the idea of founding a reserve to adopt all the wild animals that had been used on films and later abandoned by the industry. There were then but they continue to incorporate more species.

 

Tags:tiger,birds

Current Mood: Accomplished

The Professor And The Comic

I love comics and greatly respect and admire professors. Not often you find somebody who is good at being both, as that's a rather unusual combination. And, when this somebody is Roberto Benigni, all the more pleasing and amazing. I just love that little guy. He can make me laugh without actually doing anything; just the way he looks, (no doubt carefully calculated look, but always managed to appear natural and spontaneous), his posture, his body language, and the very unique and comical facial expressions reacting to all sounds and sights around him. A true comic, not those who had to forcibly make faces or stick out their tongue, or with outrageously exaggerated gestures, as if they NEED to announce that they are at that moment being funny.

Another theatre art, the one man (or woman) show, the actors and actresses who can hold audience's full attention for 2 solid hours or longer, with nothing more than their monologue, reciting a section of a book or poems, telling a story, or just talking to you as if you are his only audience, opening his heart to you like you are his most intimate and trusted friend. He or she can make you laugh, or cry, or both at the same time. That is an art. But not plastic art, not something you contemplate or listen to without truly involving your own emotions and passions. Few artists can achieve all that and, I never even suspected before, Benigni can and does extremely well.

'Tutto Dante' is his one-man show years ago in Madrid, Spain. The first part of the show was full of his jokes and light hearted observations, punctuated with his own brand of quick wit and humour, and one could detect very cleaver improvisations that might take you a few seconds to catch on, but once you did you were so elated at your own wit, and almost feel grateful that he had allowed you to discover this gift you didn't realize you had.

The 2nd part was more serious, in parts religious. He's the professor that showed you even literature could be fun, when presented with ease of manners and tone, and once again you found that you love poetry more than you thought possible. You are likely to leave the theatre not just feeling you had a grand evening, but you had discovered that the world is not all gloom as the politicians make it out to be, and people and situations are not all bad as all media makes you believe, and you are a better and more gifted person than you thought you were.

Tags:professor,comic

Current Mood: Artistic