Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Open Letter By Anonymous

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me e-mail this past year.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown), who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Tags:openletter anonymous

Current Mood: Amused

Humour Of Groucho Marx

~*~ Groucho Marx Humor ~*~

* I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.

* Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

* Women should be obscene and not heard.

* I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

* I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

* Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

* He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

* Room service? Send up a larger room.

* How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

* Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

* Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

* Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.

* Now there's a man with an open mind—you can feel the breeze from here.

* I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

* Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

* Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

* Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

* The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.

* Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

* I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

* I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

* From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

* Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Tags:GrouchoMarx,Humour

Current Mood: Amused

4 - Tissimo Guitar Quartet - Video

4-tissimo Guitar Quartet

I thought 4-Hand Guitar was pretty amazing until I saw 4-tissimo Guitar Quartet playing Tico Tico no Fubá. Eight hands, two guitars, three women, and one very lucky guy.

My Conflicting Views On David Mamet

I can never quite decide whether I like David Mamet or not. His films I mean. I guess I admire him as an outstanding and very unique film maker, writer, producer and director. Hugely talented, daring, provocative, contrary, often sarcastic, even demolishing; but always unmistakably original, in all his direction and his writing. Before I see each of his film, I often wonder whether I was going to like it. Sometimes, afterwards, I decided I didn't. But the very next time a new film of his came on show, I would be itching to go and see it. Now isn't that strange?

It seems that once you have been introduced to the world of this exceptional and occasionally disturbing man, once you have experienced the magic he creates, be it in his book or his films, earthly or divine, you can't help but eternally following his trail. Like an addiction. No matter if the path leads to fulfilling and exciting adventures, or weird and perturbing nightmares. In either case it's never dull or aseptic. The ultimate power of one human being over another.

I have long learned that myths are best contemplated at a distance, and just let myself be seduced by their charm or wisdom. Because even if I am not so enchanted with some of his works, or the way they were presented, or messages they carried or sent out, I simply couldn't not be hugely impressed by the intelligence and mordacity of the man, even when the idealism seemed genetically incorrect.

Just can't wait to look at his film ' Heist' again. I am almost sure I saw it before, but for the hack of me can't remember a thing about it! Gene Hackman was in it, whom I also admire as an actor.

Tags:davidmamet,genehackman,heist

Current Mood: Artistic

The 10 Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment ( A Story )

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.