3rd Feb 2012 Just For A Laugh

The Vicar & The Parrot ~

'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' The Vicar inquired.

'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.' 

'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull both strings?' 

'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.

Customer Bowled Over By Service ~

A car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around corners so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.' 

The T.V. is No Joke ~

 

I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.

She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust.

Didn't go too well after that. 

Shame On You ~

 

'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.' 

'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was president.' 

Near Death Experience ~

 

A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'

'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.

'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'

Homework ~ 

 

Draw a Picture of Mummy at Work

Here is a copy of Mummy's note, the next day, for the teacher: 

Dear Miss Greenwood,

That is not a dance pole on stage in a dancing club. I work at Wal Mart and that's me selling a shovel.

Yours faithfully, Sarah Fogarty.

Tags: forlaugh

Prev: 3rd Feb 2012 The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover

3rd Feb 2012 The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover

It's a crime drama, written and directed by Peter Greenway, presented with a hint of comedy, starring Richard Bohringer, Michael Gambon, Helen Mirren, and Alan Howard in the title roles. The film's graphic scatological, violent, and nude scenes, as well as it's lavish cinematography and formalism were apparently noted at the time of it's release in 1989, but it's the first time I saw it last night on Spanish TV. 

I was attracted first by Michael Gambon and Helen Mirren, both excellent actors who had never disappointed me in any of the films I have seen them in, whatever kind of rolls they played. Then, like the majority of people I bet, by the title of the film; very important that could often make or break the film. This one has certainly got the drawing power.

The plot, briefly, is about a notorious gangster Spica (Michael Gambon) who has taken over a high-class restaurant, run by a French chef Richard Borst (Richard Hogringer). Spica makes nightly appearances at the restaurant with his retinue of thugs. His oafish behaviour causes frequent confrontations with the staff and his own customers. Forced to accompany him is his reluctant, well-bred wife, Georgina (Helen Mirren), who soon catches the eye of a quiet regular at the restaurant, a bookshop owner Michael (Alan Howard). 

Under her husband's nose, Georgina carries on an affair with Michael, with the help of the restaurant staff. Ultimately Spica learns of the affair, forcing Georgina to hide out at Michael's bookshop. Borst sends food to Georgina through his young employee, a boy soprano, who sings while working. Spica tortures the boy, finding the bookstore's location written in a book the boy is carrying. Spica's men storm Michael's bookshop while she is away, and torture him to death by force-feeding him pages from his books. Georgina discovers his body when she returns.

Overcome with rage and grief, she begs Borst to cook Michael's body, and he eventually complies. Together with all the people that Spica wronged throughout the film, Georgina confronts her husband at the restaurant and forces him to eat Michael's cooked body. Spica complies, gagging, before Georgina shoots him in the head.

Now isn't all that intriguing? Sex, deceit, violence and gore, just the right ingredients for a thriller that guarantees a box office hit. 

Tags: lover, wife, thief

Prev: 3rd Feb 2012 Only In Britain - Complaints Made To Councils

3rd Feb 2012 Only In Britain - Complaints Made To Councils

Extracts from letters of complaints written by council tenants. Some sound rude, but not if you have cleared your mind of any dirt first ~

 

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Tags: funnycomplaints

Prev: 2nd Feb 2012 Bungling Thieves