The Verdict, A Little Black Humour

A man was in court on a murder charge, If found guilty he would get a death sentence.
 

However his brother had spotted there was a blonde on the jury panel and thought she would be the easiest to bribe, so he approaches her during recess on the quiet, and says if she can get the rest of the jury to bring the verdict of manslaughter she will get £20,000.

Well the jury retire for a week and when they come back they all give a verdict of manslaughter, so the man's brother is well chuffed. He goes to see the blonde, gives her the £20,000, and asked how she had managed to convince the other members of the jury.
 

" Well " replies the blonde, "it wasn't easy. The others wanted to find him not guilty. "

Tags: Verdict,Manslaughter

Amusing Political Bloopers

Some of my favourite political bloopers:

** "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

** "This is a great day for France!" - President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

** "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." - President Gerald Ford"

** "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." - Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

** My fellow astronauts..." - Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

** "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

** "We found the term 'killing' too broad." - State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

** "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." - Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

** "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." - U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

Tag: PoliticalBloopers

Stress Management Techniques

** Stress Management Techniques **

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See? You're smiling already.

** Advanced Stress Management Techniques **

However, if suffering from severe stress and find it difficult to react, here are some effective attitude you can adopt:

• When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
• You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• How do I set the laser printer to stun?
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 

Tag: StressManagement