Mark Twain Humour

• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.


• A man connot be comfortable without his own approval.


• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.


• Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.


• An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't done before.


• Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.


• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a mistake.


• I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.


• By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity - another man's I mean.


• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


• Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.


• Do something every day that yo don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.


• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.


• Illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.


• Education; that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.


• Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.


• Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.


• Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.


• Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.


• Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.


• Humour is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.


• I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.


• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.


• I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.


• I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.


• I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.


• I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.


• I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

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Current Mood: Amused

Evesdropping ...

BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon?? BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. MAN : You remind me of the sea. WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? MAN : NO, because you make me sick. WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andrew says I'm ugly. What do U think, Peter? PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. GIRLFRIEND: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" BOYFRIEND: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday". TEACHER : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" PUPIL: "The moon". TEACHER : "Why?" PUPIL: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it". TEACHER : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" PUPIL : "A teacher". WAITER: "Would you like your coffee black?" CUSTOMER : "What other colours do you have?" TEACHER : "Sam, you talk a lot !" SAM : "It's a family tradition". TEACHER : "What do you mean?" SAM: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". TEACHER : "What about your mother?" SAM: "She's a woman". TOM : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" DAVID: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated". TEACHER : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" STUDENT: "Brotherly love". TEACHER: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" SAM : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook". PATIENT: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" DOCTOR : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died". TEACHER : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? " ONE STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time." TEACHER: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" ONE STUDENT: “Because George still had the axe in his hand." My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs Tags:evesdropping

Current Mood: Amused

The Girl Of Pluto

In the morning of 14th of March, 1930, an eleven year old little English girl, Venetia Phair was sitting at the breakfast table with her grandfather, Falconer Madan, who was totally absorbed reading the paper 'The times'. He was a retired librarian. The article that so captured his attention was about a discovery: a photo of a planet further than the Neptune , that still had no name. It's existence had been postulated at the end of the 19th century and many intents had been made to photograph it since 1906. Falconer Madan was reading the news aloud to his granddaughter who, without hesitating at all, suggested 'Pluto' as the name for the new planet. An excellent name for a huge baby planet, the furthest from the sun, so dark and melancholy, thought Madan, fascinated by the quick wit of his little granddaughter. He was more than impressed, as there had been no more classic names in the mythology left not yet used. A few days later Madan went to the house of his friend, Hall Turner, professor of Astronomy in the University of Oxford, and one of the leaders of the world search of an astronomic map. Turner had travelled to London to speculate the matter of the new planet with some interested parties, so Madan left him a note with the proposed name. Turner contacted him saying he considered the name quite adequate, and had sent a telegram to Lowell Observatory. In May 1930 the name of Pluto was formally adopted for the new planet. It was chosen for several reasons, but the most outstanding was because it's the name of one of the Roman gods, same as those of the rest of the planets. There were other name candidates: like Zeus, Atlas and Persefone, all discarded. When the election of the name was made public, the very proud grandfather awarded Venetia with a £5 note, a lot of money in 1930. In 2006, Pluto was taken out from the list of the International Astronomic Union and classified as a 'dwarf planet'. Venetia Phair went on to become a professor herself. She died a in 2009 at the age of 90, in her home in Surrey, England. Tags:Pluto,Planet

Current Mood: Accomplished