4th Nov 2011 What To Do When The Cat Is Sick ...

After telling you all those cat tales, I thought you need to know what to do when your cat is sick and need to be given medicine.

How to give a cat a pill:

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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Tags: cat, pill

Prev: 4th Nov 2011 Some More Fun With Cats

4th Nov 2011 Some More Fun With Cats

** Two female cats are sitting on the fence passing the time of day when a really handsome tomcat walks by and winks at them.

'Oh darling, did you see that one?' one of the felines opines. 'I wouldn't mind sharing a dead mouse with him.'

'Forget about him,' her friend tells her. 'I went out with him once, and all he did was talk about his operation.'

** A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening.

The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'

'Q's & A's About Cats ~

** What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.

** Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

** What is a cat's way of keeping law and order?
Claw Enforcement.

** What is the name of the unauthorised autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.

** What is a moggy's favourite colour?
Purrrrrrrple!

** What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

** What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.

** How many cats can you put into an empty box?
Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

** What do you use to comb a cat?
A catacomb.

** Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he's always spotted.

Tags: tomcats

Prev: 4th Nov 2011 The End Of The World, According To Las von Trier

4th Nov 2011 The End Of The World, According To Las von Trier

'Melancolia' is the new film of the controversial Danish director Lars von Trier. It's not just about the state of mind being melancholy, it's the name of the planet in the film, that threatens to collide with the earth and destroys it all together. Under such threat develops two consecutive stories with the same characters. Confronting such devastation forces out the most concealed aspects of these people, while civilization as we know it, prepares for it's destruction.

The recent scandal - the bumbling words by von Trier at the Canns Film Festival, caused him to declare publicly that he would never accept an interview again, as there's always the possibility of different interpretations of what he said, and mostly to add controversy or negative twist to his words. Even labelling him as pro-Naxi. But he did talk to a Spanish paper before he began to fulfil his declaration.

 

He admitted to being an imbecile, that he should have known better that there's always more than one way to skin the cat, that reporters are not there just to report news but to sometimes create them, with hints to lead people astray just a little. And, that he's not clever with word games. He believes that there's a little bit of Naxi in all of us, and a little bit of human in Hitler. I think I tend to agree on this last statement.

Bach to the film. Some images I have seen, the prologue of a succession of scenes with movements almost imperceptible, but are sumptuous and at the same time most frighteningly and shockingly beautiful.

 

Tags: melancolia, film, melancholy

Prev: 4th Nov 2011 The Four Smart Cats

4th Nov 2011 The Four Smart Cats

The 4 Cats are:

T-Square, Spreadsheet, Measure and Coffee Break

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8oz. into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat Coffee Break and said "do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet ...

He drank the milk, ate the cookies, and then beat up the other three cats. Later he claimed he injured his back while doing so, so he filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Tags: smartcats

Prev: 3rd Nov 2011 James Thieree, Grandson Of Charlie Chaplin