Giggles To End The Week

** Daddy's Trick ~ The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." Grandma was curious: "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mummy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again." ** Walking Economy ~ This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!" ** Welcome ~ Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." ** Customer Service ~ I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me. ** Parking Space ~ A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the wind-shield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

** College exam plea ~

O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.

Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.

And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.

Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.

Tags:Weekend,Giggles

• Current Mood: amused

Power Of The Press - Vicar's Ass

Peter, the vicar of St Mary's was enthused to raise money for his cathedral's roof. He felt the usual Tombola would not make enough money so he decided to run a series of donkey Derbies throughout the diocese.

The Reverend Peter learned that Big Al Corleone had a string of donkeys, and persuaded him to loan his donkeys for a series of Derbies. Crucially, Peter induced Big Al to run the best donkey in the Vicar's name. In the first Derby, held in the grounds of St Mark's church, Peter's donkey came second.

The next day the local chronicle carried this headline: "Vicar's Ass Shows."

Two weeks later the next donkey derby was run in St Gabriel's parish. Peter was thrilled when his donkey won!

The local paper read: "Vicar's Ass Out Front."

Problem: the bishop was so upset with the publicity generated by the Chronicle that he ordered the Vicar not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Vicar's Ass".

Understandably, the bishop was exasperated and he ordered Peter to sever his association with the donkey Derby. Consequently, the Vicar decided to give the donkey to a nun in a St Cecilia's convent.

The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."

When he read that headline the bishop fainted. Later, when he had recovered, the bishop summoned the nun and asked her to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for twenty dollars.

The next day's edition read: "Nun Sells Ass for $20."

Finally the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and to release it onto the plains where it could return to nature.

The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces that Her Ass is Wild and Free".

The bishop had a heart-attacked and was buried the next day.

Tag:Vicar'sAss

• Current Mood: amused