Unique In-Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: -

• On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"


• On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


• On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.


• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"


• "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


• From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."


• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


• "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


• And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."


• Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


• A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Tags:announcement,airline

Current Mood: Amused

Auction Of Señoritas

Last weekend, a discotheque here in Granada organized a special event, an auction of single señoritas! These young ladies parade on a catwalk built for the occasion showing off their charm, keeping to the rhythm of the music by the DJ who asked each a few questions, so as to let the public know something about them. Then the boys started putting in their bid with the hope to end up with the desired trophy.

Like any auction, the one offered the most money (must make it clear here that the 'money' was that of the game of Monopoly) gets a free drink (non alcoholic) served in the VIP Balcony, accompanied by his brand new 'acquisition'.

It's a discotheque for minors, all between the age of 14 and 18 years. The entrance fee is €8 which included giving them the right to obtain Monopoly money to participate in the auction. The earlier the boys arrived at the discotheque, the more money were given for their bidding, therefore better chanced for winning the fair lady. The advertisement was brazen: 'Auction of unattached maidens'. Supporting marriages at a time when few people are interested in such institution?

This matter had the lady Minister of Equality, Bibiana Aido classifying the event as 'lamentable situation, intolerable and sad'. But the spokesman of the discotheque argued that they were observing the law, not serving one drop of alcohol on the premises and no real money passed hands. They just helped the young shy girls to find partners for the evening. They were happy and willing to take part and boys were excited and game, everybody was having a good time, even parents had not raised any objections.

Having a good time while learning a lesson that money is the key to open any doors, buy whatever one desires, including love. Is that what parents want their children to learn? The authority said nothing when the advertisement was up several days before the auction took place, nor any parents stopping their children participate in the game, so why the noise now?

For this weekend, tonight precisely, a mini-skirt contest has been announced. The girls who arrive so dressed will get a discount for their entrance ticket. No need of course to give any concession to boys. The old rule always works, where girls go, boys go.

There are still a few more hours yet before night falls. This is the time to voice opinions, approval or objections. Not when it is done and concluded.

Tags:auction,señorita

Current Mood: Blah

The Artist's Daughter & A Boat

On one hand there's continuous talk about economic crisis & recessions, still. And on the other hand, there are luxury acquisitions that cost millions and multimillions people are happy and willing to pay for, just to have them on their walls, on the shelves, or simply locked in the safe or a bank vault, and only once in a blue moon take a peep at it/them to assure themselves that they are indeed the proud owners of such enviable rarities.

One thing is obvious, the auction houses all seem to complaint about the dwindling of business. Many people have changed the strategy and now prefer to buy or sell art objects privately, bypassing the middleman must mean a great saving on both the buyer and the seller's pockets. According to the collective, the most valuable objects are scarce in the market as owners of these wish to wait for better times to get the full value of the treasures' worth. The private sales are also quicker, cheaper and more discreet as they also don't want their friends to know they are at hard times having to resort to selling their collections.

Some of the reputable auction houses, like Sotheby's and Christie's, no longer guarantee the seller a minimum price, as they used to do. What is more, if the announced and displayed object did not find a buyer it's value depreciates automatically in any future sale.

Picasso's work is keeping it's demand and value though. The following piece titled 'The Artist's Daughter And A Boat' did not find a buyer, but his 'Musketeer' was sold at 10,9 million Euro. Probably equivalent to a whole months food for the entire hungry Africa.

Tags:aritist'sdaughter

Current Mood: Artistic