The Laws Of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Tags:LawsOfLife

Current Mood: Awake

Wise & Worth Heeding ...

Most of the following were one-liners I posted occasionally on Multiply; the ones I can remember anyway. I wish to keep them close here as reminders.

** A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it starts to rain.

** A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

** A good man in an evil society seems the greatest villain of all.

** A guilty conscience needs no accuser.

** A half truth is a whole lie.

**A paragraph should be like a lady's skirt: long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting.

** Anyone who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is aiming ten inches too high.

** Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

** All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy; all play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.

** Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

** Curiosity killed the cat (and satisfaction brought it back).

** Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.

** Education is a progressive discovering of our own ignorance.

** Education makes machines which act like men and produces men who act like machines

** Falling down does not signify failure but staying there does.

** He who is good at excuses is seldom good at anything else.

** Helping Hands are better than Praying Lips

** If you're not part of the solution, you're likely part of the problem.

** Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

** Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

** Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

** Life is what passes you by when you are too busy making other plans.

** Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone whom you can't live without.

** Love is blind,… but marriage is the real eye-opener.

** Proverbs are long life experiences, told in one short sentence.

** Someone who gossips to you will gossip about you.

** The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

** Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

** Write injuries in the sand, kindnesses in marble.

** You don't have to be different to be good. You have to be good to be different.

** You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

Tag:wiseoneliners

Current Mood: Awake

The Wedding Present & The Investment

** The Wedding Present

On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business. All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I can't even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo, “for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. "OK, what about joining the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea. How about you buying me out?”

** Investment Advice

Moshe was 88 years old and went to see his financial advisor.
“So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?” asked Moshe.
“Well,” replied the advisor, “I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years.”
“Are you nuts?” said Moshe, “A five year investment? Why, at my age, I don't even buy green bananas!”

 

Tags:wedding investment

Current Mood: Amused

John & Yoko's Bed-In For Peace

While tidying up old piles of papers & magazines - which I do rarely, always thinking I might wish to look at them again some day - I came upon the newspaper 'De Volkskrant' of Amsterdam published an interview with Yoko Ono, widow of Beatle John Lennon, during which she said that their legendary 'Bed in for peace' that has just completed 40 years, was all but a romantic interlude, more than a politic movement as most media & public thought.

That day on the 19th of March, 1969, Lennon and Ono were married in Gibraltar and, conscious of their media impact, they decided to spend their entire week of honeymoon in the presidential suite of the Hilton Hotel in Amsterdam, in front of the cameras and reporters, as a new and original way of campaigning for peace.

This initiative of the famous rocker from Liverpool and the Japanese artist were, from Thursday, be remembered in many celebration events, amongst these figured the exhibition titled 'Imagine - The art of John Lennon' that showd 190 sketches and drawings by the assassinated artist. "Perhaps we were a bit naive" so admitted Ono, referring to their peculiar honeymoon as a protest against the war in Vietnam. "We are still living in convulsive times. I am sure that from then till now, 99% of humanity are convinced that a war is not a solution."

The director of the hotel and the co-organiser of the commemorative events, Robert Payer, remarked that "John and Yoko's message of peace is as topical today as then." The hotel has put the same suite for the disposition of activists and fans of the mythical Liverpool band for one week, where the couple in pyjamas let themselves be immortalised by cameras and reporters.

Yoko Ono had not mentioned another significant fact, or supposition, that the wedding had been interpreted by many fans, including people within the music world, to be the end of the group, that the enigmatic Japanese artist was the culprit of the rivalry between Lennon and McCartney eventually reaching the point of no return, forcing the dissolution of the Fab Four.

John showing off the wedding certificate

Tags:Lennon,Yoko

Current Mood: Artistic

Who Needs Money?

Benjy had done very well in business. He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours. One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.

Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn't hesitate. “Yes, I can move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private beach?”
“Yes.”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager. “There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.” 

The following week, there was Benjy and Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Benjy looked all around him and said,

“Sadie, just look how beautiful everything is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”

Tag:whoneedsmoney

Current Mood: Amused