Why Do Men Die First?

Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you don't work enough ... you are good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.

If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Why do men die first?

Because they WANT to!


Tags:chauvinist,harassment,sexist,pansy

• Current Mood: amused

Books For My Island

I find this cartoon quite amusing and crazier than what I first thought. Just in case some of you might not understand Spanish too well, I translated the conversation: -
Boatman: "Which 5 books do you need?"
Islander:

"1. How to win friends
2. Healthy sex life
3. Improving self esteem

4. Anti-Stress Manual

5. The Michelin Guide'

In that poor man's situation, I would have simply yelled:
"Damn those dumb books! Couldn't you just take me out of here?"

Let's say the boatman would not, could not, or didn't wish to. I would probably ask for the same books to amuse myself under the abject circumstances, rather than dwell on my hopeless situation. If I can't persuade or force him to take me with him that is.

What about you? How would you react? What books would you ask for?

Rule: You are not allowed to kill the boatman and take his boat!

Tags: Books,Island

• Current Mood: amused

Tipping The Scale

Ever so often this similar alarm rings out loud and disturbing, that there are now 400 million young people in the world under 40 being classified as obese, with the anorexic on the other side of the scale. The problem of the latter is less talked about, hopefully it's because it's less in number and severity.

This strange society of ours today seems to be like a pendulum, that swings from anorexia to obesity, with those of the 3rd world countries, whose pointed rib-bones practically perforating the skin watching helplessly and in resignation, as spectators. A lot of outcry on every level but not much seems to be done to lessen or root out the problem.

I have no idea what is being done about the anorexia, nor if any practical help is being given to those hungry neighbours, skinny not through dieting but for lack of food. In Spain the schools and parents are blaming each other, and when these accusations and quarrels brought no results, they ganged up together blaming the education department and the government.

So now steps have been taken, under guidance or order by the authority, they have designated special classes and courses for children, showing them what spinach looks like and how good it is to eat broccoli, as though they were the ones doing the shopping and cooking the wrong type of food.

First the parents, then the canteens of schools, ought to acquire the knowledge of food values and the correct balance of a healthy diet, properly cooked and attractively presented, as you eat with your eyes first. It's their responsibility, not the government's or the society's. Plus practicing what you preach to give an example. Wouldn't work if you are munching a double-Decker hamburger with Coca Cola, but expecting the children to accept happily the spinach or broccoli with a glass of water.

Bon Appetite!

Tags:obesity,anorexia,pendulum

• Current Mood: blah

If You Have A Cat ...

Cat owners know it's no child's play giving a pill to a cat when it's occasionally under the weather. Follow these instructions ~ ??

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby, Position right fore finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa, Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage, put door back on hinges. Apply cold compass to cheek, check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and tie tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, allow doctor to stitch fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home and order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR DOG A PILL ~
Wrap it in bacon. He would even wag his tail like mad!

Tags:cat,dog,pill

• Current Mood: amused