1st Sept 2011 The Aussie, The Croc, And The Bastard

Monty Kelly, a rich man living near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Darel, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting ...

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Aussie Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Darel said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, 'I just want the Bastard who pushed me in.'

 

Tags: croc, bastard

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1st Sept 2011 Still With Thoughts On Marriage ...

• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
• A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
• A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
• A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
• The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

Tags: marriagethoughts

Prev: 1st Sept 2011 The Intriques Of Marriage

1st Sept 2011 The Intrigues Of Marriage

* The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

* Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)

* I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

* Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

* My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

* A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

* I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)

* Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

* The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Tags: marriageintriques

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