The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up that would be super.' 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines Dearie, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
 
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up!!.'

Tags:GayAttendant,Queen,Princess

The Chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to Amsterdam in his limo and he says to the driver: "Why don't you let me drive for a while?" The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he is the Pope."

So the driver pulls over and they change places.

The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while, the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "Slow down a bit please, you might get pulled over."

The Pope says: " Ahh, don't worry about it. I am the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continue to drive very fast.

After a few moments, he gets pulled over. The cop walks up to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says: "Oh, I am sorry. Can you hold on a minute please?" The Pope says: "Sure."

The cop walks back to his car, and radios back to the station. He says: "Guys, I just pulled over someone very important." They ask who, "The president?"

"No, more important."

"The president of another country?"

"No, more important."

"An Ambassador?"

"No, even more important."

"Well, who is it?"

"I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur."

 

Tags:Chauffeur,Pope,Cop

Barcelona Then & Now

The local newspaper just started publishing each day a few photos of Barcelona and other Spanish cities at the same spot 45 years ago, with a brief description of the differences. Most of them are visually evident. Other information comes from the achieves of that period and all are very interesting to me, not having known the country of the bygone days, and where I have in recent years made my home.

 

After the enormous success of the 1992 Olympics, the sudden wave of immigrants from abroad and the influx of tourists from all over the world have, in a relatively short time, caused enormous changes, especially in Barcelona, for better or for worse. Both physically and psychologically. Seeing what it was like 40 years ago and saying so in as many words, is tantamount to conjuring up an invented past.

 

Anyone arriving from Paris or London in those days must have found Barcelona incredibly behind time, compared with most other European countries in many aspects. The photos showed the era of miniskirts, flares and bushy sideburns. Unkempt hair and ill fitting clothes. People looked rather drab and grubby, and buildings dark and unwelcome.

 

Some photos show people of that period, in the streets, with so many cripples at large, the war might have ended only a few weeks earlier. There were close shots of some old timers, with teeth, if they did exist, rather big, nicotine stained and crooked. Women wore mainly black, almost as soon as they got married. Old ladies looked identical, black from head to toe, like wearing uniform.

 

Nevertheless, heady times, before cosmetic dentists, plastic surgeons, industrial designers, trend stylists and tormented politicians got their hands on the populace. Barcelona is probably now one of the most beautiful and advanced modern cities in the world. Optimism and polite anarchism reigned supreme. A barrage of scathing jokes, contagious good humour and not to mention plenty of plonk and carrajillos - coffee laced with brandy or whiskey - cemented comradeship and solidarity. And to think everything was dirt cheap! In those days!! Shared poverty is a mighty generator of generosity.

 

However, round the Rambla in the centre of Barcelona, a binge could start off innocently enough with a couple of beers and carry on non stop for 3 days. One of the best things of all was that people of all ages, creeds and backgrounds mixed happily. And books, real books, were available at all hours at kiosks and drugstores, cultural activities flourished beyond bureaucracy's murderous grip.

 

What went wrong? Well, you have pride, envy and greed for starters.

Tags:Barcelona, thenandnow

True Record Of Insurance Claims

** INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS TO MAKE YOU SMILE - U.K.**

• The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
• I collided with a stationary trolley coming in the opposite direction.
• In order to avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.
• The other car collided with me without even warning me of his intention.
• There were plenty of onlookers but no witnesses.
• The water in my radiator accidentally froze at midnight.
• My car had to turn very sharply because of an invisible truck.
• I was just in the act of scraping my nearside on the curb when the accident happened.
• I collided with a stationary tree. There was no damage done to the tree as the gatepost will testify.
• The accident was entirely due to the road bending.
• I left my Austin 7 outside and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin 12.

• The witness gave his occupation as that of a gentleman but it actually would be more correct to call him a garage proprietor.
• The other man changed his mind and I had to run into him. I told the idiot just what he was and went on.
• One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator, leaped across the road to the other side, and jumped into the trunk of a tree.
• I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw Police Officer Brown.
• A bull was standing nearby and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
• A cow wandered into my car. I was later informed that the unfortunate cow was half witted.
• She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself it certainly would not have happened.
• I was taking a friend home and following the lampposts, which were in a straight line. Unfortunately there was a bend in the road bringing the right hand lamppost in line with the left so of course I landed in a ditch.
• I bumped into a lamppost that was obscured by human beings.
• I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back. Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.
• I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.
• Three women were talking to one another, and when one stepped back and another stepped forward, I had to have an accident.
• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• The guy was all over the road. I have to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
• I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if either were to blame, it was the other one.
• I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.
• The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
• The car occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
• A dog on the road applied brakes, causing a skid.

• Tags:InsuranceClaims