The 10 Marriage Commandments

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

 

Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

 

Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

 

Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

 

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

 

Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

 

Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

 

Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

Bonus Commandment (A Giggle)

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. 

 

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

"It really works!"

 

Tags: Marriage,Commandments

Some Would Never Learn ...

Some people are clever only with guns ...

 

 

** Moose Hunters

 

 

Two moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition and both manage to shoot a large moose.

 

 

When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at the animals and says, 'This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.'

 

 

 

'That's gobbled-gook and nonsense!' explodes an angry Wally.

Yep,' agrees Jeff, 'you're just a cowardly custard. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!'

 

 

'Mmmm,' adds Wally, 'and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours, Ronnie.'

Ronnie becomes cross as well, and snaps, 'Dang me, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody'

 

 

Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it, but doesn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers.

 

 

 

Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and mumbles, 'Where are we?'

Wally appears dishevelled from behind a shrub, looks around and replies, 'Oh ... I'd say ... about a hundred metres further than last year.'

 

 

 

 ** Deer Hunters

Josh and Olly are hunters and they are dragging their dead deer back to their truck after a successful expedition. As they go they meet another hunter, who is pulling his deer along too, who shouts to them both, 'Oiga! I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.'

 

 

The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly what he has suggested.

 

 

Some considerable time later Josh says, 'You know, Olly, that man was right. This is an awful lot easier!'

 

 

'Yep, Josh, but we're getting farther from the truck,' moans Olly.

Heroic Failure - A Matter Of Personal Choice

1) Henri Darque - Magician

In Paris, France, magician Henri Darque managed to extricate himself from a pad-locked box... after three weeks! The illusionist had himself strapped inside a straitjacket and locked in the container, as a large audience looked on. Darque was supposed to escape within five minutes, but he never emerged.

 

He left strict orders with his assistant never to help him out of the box. So three weeks later, he climbed out of the box ... the bored audience had left after the first night.

2) Mark Ashby - Schoolboy

Mark Ashby was given a blue Mohican hairstyle by his parents as a reward for hard work at school in Omaha, Nebraska. The school then suspended him for breaking the dress code.

 

 

3) Joan Slote - Cyclist

Joan Slote, aged 74, was fined £4,800 by the US Treasury for going on a cycle tour of Cuba, defying the US embargo of the island. She was also fined £80 for buying souvenirs.

 

 

4) Bigamist Plumber

A plumber sent to prison on a driving charge had pleaded with Walton-on-Thames magistrates not to jail him as he was due to marry the next week.

 

 

The local newspaper reported the case thus alerting his wife that he was about to commit bigamy.

 

 

5) Anonymous Accountant

An accountant in Salem, Pennsylvania, has been charged with "defiant trespass", which carries a two-year prison sentence. His alleged crime? He spoke at a public meeting, objecting to a new sewage disposal plan, for 11 minutes instead of the allotted five.