The Honest Husband & The Deaf Wife

** The Law-Upholding Husband ~

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

** The Deaf Wife ~

Man told the doctor he suspected that his wife was going deaf. The doctor said:

"Let's try to find out for sure. You ask her a question at a certain distance and see from how far or near she could hear you. So that we know how serious the matter is."

That night the man was standing outside the kitchen and asked his wife behind her back, where she was working at the sink: "What's for dinner Love?" No answer. He stepped in a couple of paces and asked again: "What's for dinner Darling?" Still no answer. He got a bit nearer each time and asked the same question 4 times.

She turned abruptly and said: "What's the matter with you? I told you 4 times already that we are having chicken!'

Tags:HonestHusband,DeafWife

• Current Mood: amused

More British Logic Plus Humour

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS:

** Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

** Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

** A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

** At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

** Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.' (Bournemouth Evening Ech0)

Tag:BritishHumour

• Current Mood: amused

British Logic?

List of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers ... ** "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." ** "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any. " ** "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." ** "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." ** "We are now travelling through Baker Street .. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". ** "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me. " ** During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided." ** "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home ..." ** "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open..' The two are distinct and separate instructions." ** "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." ** "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." ** "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" ** "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (...pause). "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (...pause). "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" ** "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage. " Tags: britishlogic

• Current Mood: amused

The Beautiful Cellulites!

Did you know that the dreaded cellulite was once upon a time a sign of beauty and good health? That it's the invention of the French? And that men were attracted by the sight of them and got turned on?Apparently during centuries, it was regarded as added value to a woman because it showed her capacity to accumulate reserves, something indispensable in a good mother, and attractive as a wife.

They had certainly been amply painted on canvas by the world's greatest artists as beauties of the era. Check out the works of Botticelli, Rubens, Rembrandt, Goya ... The cellulite curves not just seen as beautiful, but erotic. On the other hand, extreme slimness was regarded as bad and fragile health.

In more recent times, the cellulite was first regarded as problem in 'Votre Beaute' in February of 1933, in an article by Doctor Debec about exercise to achieve beauty. He defined the cellulite as accumulation of water, residues, toxins and grease, all very difficult to shift and bad for health. That article connected at the time with the extreme right wing ideology that scorned cosmopolitan life style and exalt or glorify virtues of country living. For those hygienists and worshipers of a 'cultivated' body, cellulite was another symptom of decadence of the rich and middle class in the promiscuous ambience of the cities.

That discourse or reasoning stuck, mostly because it goes down well with the industry of cosmetics and paramedics. From plastic surgeons to masseurs, all seeing themselves getting rich on the fear and anguish of women worrying about their body shape not fitting the dictated standards. The woman's magazines easily convinced them that their natural curves and shape were above all else their biggest problem in life.

Sometimes these magazines seem to have just one article in them, which they repeat and repeat every season. In spring they say you must start to prepare your body for the bikini, in summer they say now show how slim you are in a bikini; they urge you to get brown with this cream and that in the sun, then they say you must use that and the other lotion to get rid of the harmful sun effect and damage ...

I am glad I wasn't born a century ago; I would have been seen as the ugliest woman on earth!

Tags: cellulite, curves

• Current Mood: chipper