14th Nov 2011 Comedians - Peter Kay & Time Vine

I have never heard of neither Peter Kay nor Tim Vine. They are both British comedians and I found a few jokes of theirs quite amusing:

Peter Kay ~

** One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

** Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

** You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

** You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

** I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

** If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

** Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?

Time Vine ~

• "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
• "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
• "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
• "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
• "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
• "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
• "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
• "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
• "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

 

Tags: timevine, peterkay

Prev: 14th Nov 2011 Dear Milkman ...

14th Nov 2011 Dear Milkman ...

There's a long history of fresh milk in bottles, delivered and left at each house door, always very early in the morning. The empty bottles would be cleaned (mostly by responsible and conscientious housewives) also by the door at night, and occasionally brief communication with the milkman re. change of order to more or less pints needed, or adding other regular products like eggs to the regular number of a normal order. 

It's a rather sensible and quite charming practice but this is becoming less and less used nowadays especially in cities, where milk is usually purchased together with detergents or toilet rolls, etc. in the corner supermarket.

 

In small villages or more remote areas, milkman is still a regular 'visitor', and sometimes treated as a friend after years and years going to the same door, and might even be invited occasionally to join in with the family breakfast, and the young children of the household call him 'Uncle' Bob or Henry. Sweet isn't it?

Here are some of the amusing but real notes left in bottles for the Milkmen ~

 

** Dear milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

** Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

** Cancel one pint after the day after today.

** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

** Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

** Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

** Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

** When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

** Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

** My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

** Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

** Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

** Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

** From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

** My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

** Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

** When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

** No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

 

Tags: milkman

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