The Baby Specialist

** An old joke I posted in 2008, but I still find it hilarious ** The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to ..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, he ... equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Tags photograph babyspecialist

Current Mood: Amused

A Sunday Giggle

Definition Of Mental Deficiency

A visitor at an asylum asks the director what the criteria is for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," says the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," says the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," says the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

Careful what you wish for!

A couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
The wife says "I would love to travel round the world with my husband", the fairy waves her wand and a pair of luxury cruise tickets appear in her hand.
The husband says "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me", the fairy waves her wand and the husband is 93.
Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember, fairies are females.

Tags:MentalDeficiency,Fairies

Current Mood: Amused

Does English Lack Precision?

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values ~

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name ?"

In a Divorce Court ~

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

In The Hospital ~

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

A Curse ~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder ~

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks ~

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez ~

"How was he killed ?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun ?! What is a golf gun ?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Moe and Joe are talking ~

"My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really ?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appear ~

The nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"

While shopping for vacation clothes ~

My husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one ?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Tags:divorcecourt,airline

Current Mood: Amused

Humour Of Politicians

There are times, when humour is not doled out as it's meant to, having a bit of harmless fun or making light of a somber or unpleasant situation, but as they say, below the belt. That sort of humour seems to occur precisely more in the political circles.

One of the legendary and well remembered joke was made by Winston Churchill, rather blatantly cruel in my opinion, about his unexpected successor, Clement Attlee, after the war:

"Mr. Attlee is a modest man - he has enough reasons to be."

Another well known and well circulated joke of the sharp-tongued Churchill, again aiming at Attlee, was when he once talked about a taxi:

"... an empty taxi stopped in front of No. 10 Downing Street and from which Mr. Attlee descended."

When Harold MaCmillan lost the government he asked the House of Commons: " Is there life after death? "

It was rumoured that one day Lord Salisbury was dreaming that he was talking to the other lords in the Chamber; when he woke up he realized that he WAS talking to them!

George Bush also resorted to humour when he was at the gala dinner in Washington with the foreign press. He remarked on Hillary Clinton's absence with irony, that the reason why she was not able to enter the room "because of the crossfire at the door.", referring to the invented episode of her visit to Bosnia, which she described as a serious danger for her life because of enemy fire.

He didn't spare Barack Obama either, excusing his absence at the dinner "because he was at
the church listening to the racist Reverend Wright."

As to MacCain he did not joke this time but told the truth that "He couldn't come because he would lose votes."

As humours go, that reflection of Ronald Reagan was not bad at the end of his presidency: "I have said it many times before, that politic is the 2nd most wretched profession in the world, and I just realized it sure resembles closely to the first."

Tags:humour,Churchill,Reagan,Clinton,Obama

Current Mood: Amused

Actors For A Day - In Handcuffs

Nearly all the actors from the Icaro Teatro group entering the Bellas Artes, Madrid, where they were to perform in a play, were handcuffed to a policeman who escorted them from the Centre of Penitentiaries Ocana II. They had arrived in a high security armoured police vehicle, each quiet and thoughtful, perhaps rehearsing once more in their mind the dialogues in the play.

Most of the spectators, free, were families and friends of the prisoners, sitting in their patio seats, happy and expectant, anticipating the performance in which the husbands, fathers, brothers or friends were actors for the day, comforted by the thought no doubt, that for the next couple of hours their loved ones were doing something interesting and fun, away from the routine of prison life.

For the other spectators who didn't know them, like myself, I couldn't help conjuring up the images of the other person behind the roll each played, and behind that roll the chain of complex and unknown circumstances entwined in each of these lives before they found themselves behind bars. What had they done? Why? Would this play be healing therapy, or maybe, hope for freedom and a new life when their debt to the society is finally paid?

One of the scenes had 2 prisoners playing prisoners. In the infirmary of the prison, one of them was dying, occupying the better bed with a widow by his side. The other was very envious and would ask him daily to tell what he saw outside. He would smilingly described that the cherry tree was blooming, real pretty. Or the sparrows had built a nest. And another day he told him that the 2 little birdies had made their gingery attempt to fly for the first time, very funny; and the sunset was technicolor and stunning ...

Then one day he died. The other said to himself "Now the window is mine. Surely they would let me have that bed." They did. He had the bed. But when he opened the window, all he saw was a solid high wall there. Nothing else. It was his companion's hope of life of freedom that had taken him beyond the wall.

Silly maybe, but I felt like crying. Not for the disappointment of the one alive, but for the sorrow and spirit of hope that died with the departed. My only solace is that perhaps he had died a free man, flying with the birdies that had finally found their wings.

Tags:TheatrePlay,Prisoners,Window

Current Mood: Cheerful