16th Nov 2011 Giggles With Q's & A's

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

 

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

 

What do attorneys use for birth control? 

Their personalities.

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Say 'I am naked and I am ready, and there's apple pie for afterwards'.

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

 

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with ... 'a recipe'.

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST ~
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!!"

 

Tags: a's, 5, q's

Prev: 16th Nov 2011 Giggles - Mobile Phone

16th Nov 2011 Giggles - Mobile Phone

** Frank wants to get his beautiful blonde wife, Betty, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Betty is excited, she loves her phone. Frank shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Betty goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi ya, Betty, "he says, "how do you like your new phone?" Betty replies, "I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though."

"What's that, Betty?" asks the husband.

"How did you know that I was at Tesco?"

** Fred rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a Jaguar doing at least 70 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara!

I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.

It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver into my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile phone.'

Tags: mobilegiggles

Prev: 16th Nov 2011 Crying For A Stranger

16th Nov 2011 Crying For A Stranger

I met JP briefly years ago, a journalist/columnist/author of books. I greatly admire him and his work and had followed often what he published in the local papers and had read a number of his books. I told him so. On that occasion, I saw him amongst the people in a funeral; my last one. From that day on I had promised myself I would never attend a funeral again, not even my own!

When he responded shaking my hand he said: 'All of us we should, and we do what we can.' and I replied: 'You more'. Later on, I thought I should have said 'What you do is not just more, but important.' I thought of that a few more times over the years to find a way to tell him so. I didn't.

 

On reading the paper yesterday the sad news that he had passed away early on Monday morning, I cried like a baby. Not that he had been someone close, in fact I only knew him from what he published, and the articles about his person and his photos that periodically appeared in the diverse media. I cried the tears more of my own failure, lack of conscientious effort to express my appreciation and admiration of him as a writer, but more so from what I have learned about him as a person.

When was the last time you told someone you love (appreciate or admire) him/her? Be sure to do so today, when they are still alive.

 

Tags: jp, stranger

Prev: 15th Nov 2011 JP's Suit