Clean & Religious ...

I don't usually like jokes on or about religion; but these here are clean. Besides, why should the devil have all the best jokes?

** Church News **

We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications. Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.

New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet. All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.

Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.

** Church Service with a Difference **

Seen on the notice board of a church:

Try heeling our services. (Try our healing services?)

You won't get better.

** Charity Begins at Church **

After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

** Funny Church Announcements **

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.

For those of you who have children - and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

** Vicar Rides Again **

The Reverend Douglas Johnston was not the best of drivers. One Sunday he was driving home from church when unfortunately, he had a minor bump with cyclist. The poor man was knocked off his bike into the ditch. The Vicar naturally stopped his car, got out and profusely apologised and gave the cyclist his calling card saying that if he could ever be of help, then the man should not hesitate to ask.

As the man rode home he looked at the card which said, 'The Reverend Douglas Johnston is sorry he missed you today.'

Tag:ReligiousJomes

• Current Mood: Amused

Vodka & The Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied:

"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of Vodka next to the water glass. When I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.'. He did not say: 'Eat me.'
12. The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub A Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Tags:priest,vodka

• Current Mood: Amused

Who Is The Daddy?

CSA Forms The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are supposed to be genuine excerpts from the forms. Number 11 takes the prize for sure. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Tags:ChildSupport

• Current Mood: Amused

Sex In The Ocean

Saw the interview of Sylvia Earle, the woman who is almost half fish, with her love, dedication and the most part of her waking life deep down in the ocean. She is marine biologist, defender of the see and the aquatic kingdom, with an impressive record of 6000 hours immersion in the sea credited, at 1000 meter in depth. Now at the age of 71 (Gibbstown, New Jersey, 1935) she is just as active as ever. She was carrying this monumental book, her Ocean, an illustrated atlas of the extension of the world, just published by the of National Geographic Society, of which she is veteran resident explorer. When the interviewer looked interested at her necklace on which hung a gold dolphin, she opened up her blouse slightly, pulling it out to show him. He joked that he almost expected to see scales on her chest, she laughed, delighted like a little girl. It was a gift from the Indians of Vancouver. Her skin was very fine and smooth, not at all expected of a life of sun and salt. She displayed great humour, expressive, vital, and very passionate on the subject of marine life and environment. The many stories she told about the sea life, as well as her own life in the sea, are all fascinating, but several of them especially interesting and informative, like some of the many variety of octopuses which can change colour when approached by other sea animals, or in her case, a diver. It began to display these beautiful colours like a rainbow forming. It allowed her to swim right along him, and looked at her often as if wishing to communicate with her, or see if she was impressed by his display. The interviewer then came up with a question about his curiosity of sex under water of these varied residents. She gave some extraordinary examples. For instance, the longest penis in the animal kingdom is not the horse, the elephant, nor human, but a type of sea barnacle, whose sex organ is longer than the full length of his body!! That the tilapia fertilises by the mouth. Oral sex to reproduce? Or the wedlock of tentacles of, precisely, the octopus. When questioned about danger for her in the sea, she firmly declared that it's more dangerous travelling in a car than diving deep down in the sea. Danger moments in the ocean are usually due to matters of mechanical error or failure of regulators. People are not figured in the daily menu of even shark's, except when the creature is provoked or threatened. She concluded by saying that the most dangerous species are us humans, the worst predators. We are killing the ocean for what we keep taking out of it, and what we continuously putting in it.   Tags:shark,octopus,ocean

• Current Mood: Chipper