13th Sept 2011 Giggles - Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. 

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.'

'Oh really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me Officer.'

Well now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?' 

'Oh, no, no,' said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course. On golf days, a lot of the Golfers come round and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?'

So now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'Ok. Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know,' said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

Tags: golfers, plasticbags

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13th Sept 2011 Married Bliss

The Lover ~
When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.'

The widow replied, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea; but I thought it would be better for posterity, to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

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The Bait ~
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found him.

3 weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Madam, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.'

The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

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The Funeral ~
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for 10 more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry it towards the door, the husband cries out: 'Watch that wall.'

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The Perfect Husband ~
I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon ...'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Why in the world would you be crying then?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

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The Love Of Her Life ~
An old woman is sipping a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, 'I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you ...' 

Her husband says, 'Is that you, or the wine talking?'

She replies, 'It's me ... talking to the wine.'

Tags: lover, bait, funeral

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