Questions Needing Answers

I have some unanswered questions, like ...
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE (Right!)
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
9. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
12. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
13. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
14. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Right?
19. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
20. If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose?
21. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
22. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
23. Why is a female daddylongleg not a mammylongleg?

Tags:questions,answers

• Current Mood: chipper

Does The English Language Lack Pricision?

** Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name ?"
** In a Divorce Court

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

** The Diagnose

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

** The curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

** Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

** A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,

"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

** Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed ?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun ?! What is a golf gun ?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

** Moe and Joe are talking,

"My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really ?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

** The 4-lettered word

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"

** The Bikini

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one ?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care!

Tags:weekendjokes

• Current Mood: amused

Amusing Short Stories

** Wrong Train

Some time ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

"No," I admitted.

'Then that explains, he said, 'why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.'

** Pinot Wines

There are many "pinot" wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as ... Pinot More.

** Right Neighbourly

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, 'I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting ... we'll have a great time.'

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?'

'Blimey, mate, it don't matter,' replied the neighbour, 'There’s only gonna be the two of us.'

** The Cadge

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad.

'Peter won't get away with it this time,' muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, 'Watch this.'

'Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

'Crikey, I'm terribly sorry,' said Paul with a smug look, 'but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day.'

'In that case,' smiled Peter, 'You won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Tags:train,wine,neighbour,cadge

• Current Mood: amused

Video - Only You

Call me old fashioned, this has always been one of my favourite songs.

Video - Mission Impossible, Possible

Mere seconds to show you nothing is impossible if you want something earnestly ...

Love In The Wild Video

True love in Luis Armstrong's the Wonder World

Tango-Flamenco

Just in the mood of Tango-Flamenco, dance of passion & poetry ...

92 Seconds Of Fun Exercise

It's far more fun than exercising all by yourself!

Moon Dance Video

Another very stylish & artistic solo dance by one of the most distinguished Chinese Dancers, Yang Liping.

Hilarious Kung Fu Video

The magnificent Matrix_Cow

Love Quotes - Funny & Sarcastic

** 'I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.' - Dorothy Parker.

** 'Women are cursed, and men are the proof.' - Rosanne Barr.

** 'Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.' - Mae West.

** 'My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.' - Rita Rudner.

** 'I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.' - Barbara Bush.

** 'The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.' - Ann Landers.

** 'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.' - Groucho Marx.

** 'Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.' - Mickey Rooney.

Tags:funny,sarcastic

• Current Mood: amused