Semen Sample

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

'Well, Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then under her armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour to help?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Tag:SemenSample

• Current Mood: amused

Wisdom Or Sarcasm?

** The most beautiful thing we can experiment with is the mystery - Albert Einstein

** Creativity and intelligence can make the world a better place - Bill Gates

** That which I believe most is transitiveness - Thomas Mann

** The most important thing is not to know, but our relationship with others - Arnold Toynbee

** A story or a poem lets us get closer to the texture of what is real - John Updike

** I think the most noble gift of a man is his capacity to change - Albert Bernstein

** Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But then I am repeating myself - Mark Twain

** A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul - George Bernard Shaw

** A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ...which debt he proposes to pay off with your money- G Gordon Liddy

** Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

** Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

** Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

** Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

** If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free - P.J. O'Rourke

** In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other - Voltaire (1764)

** Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you - Pericles (430 B.C.)

** There is no distinctly Native American criminal class ... save Congress - Mark Twain

** What this country needs are more unemployed politicians - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

** What the head makes cloudy, the heart makes very clear - Don Henley

Tags:wisdom,sarcasm

• Current Mood: awake

The Sandwich That's Not A Sandwich

For decades, the Italians are quite tickled about the unexpected globalisation of their humble pizza, which had managed to conquer the great part of the planet, even way up the mountains of Mongolia. Many a life of a travellers has been saved from starvation by the internationally recognised name, even you don't speak a single word of the country you are visiting.

As to the Spanish, who are so bent on giving foreign anything with a Hispanic name, necessary or not - like Londres for London. Isn't it just as simple, easy and more reasonable to let it stay as London, seeing they would pronounce it exactly correctly with their own alphabet for this word? But they had left the word pizza well alone. What's the point calling it Pisa? Piza? Or Picha?

Now they are having a bit of a problem, debating on how to call the recently on the market and becoming almost as popular as the pizza, the Shawarma. The Arabic 'sandwich', a savoury with tasty grilled lamb meat stuffed inside the 'pocket' of the Pita bread. No way would they call it Shawarma, not just because of their enthusiasm of giving a foreign product a Hispanic name in this case, but that they simply can't pronounce it. In fact they can't pronounce any word at all beginning with 'S'. That's why they would say espaghetti, esport instead of spaghetti and sport.

The sound produced by 'sh' ( sheriff, show ) does not exist with the Spanish alphabet or pronunciation. Just like they can't pronounce the French word beginning with 'ch' ( Champagne, chef ). So they have to modify it a little calling Shampoo as Champu.

So now Shawarma would simply be xawarma I hope, not like Londres for London, so illogical and unrecognisable. Same as in the case of the name Pekin in China. For no valid reason at all the English speaking countries call it Pekin instead of Beijing. This is to me a real puzzle. Because, using entirely English pronunciation the correct name Beijing will sound exactly right as it should be, while Pekin sounds totally foreign to all Chinese, whatever part they come from. To the Chinese, there isn't such a city in China called Pekin!!! They all need to learn that foreigners are a bit weird!

Tags:Pizza,Shawarma,Beijing

• Current Mood: blah

God And Satan

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then ... Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service ...

Nobody asks my opinion, but I am going to give it anyway - I agree and respect God's wonderful creation of all that healthy food, but I have to confess, shamefaced, that I prefer Satan's menu!

Tags:God,Satan,Food

• Current Mood: amused