Blow Your Own Horn - Amusing Signs

Sign over a Gynaecologist's office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix'

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In a Podiatrist's Office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

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On a septic tank truck:

'Yesterday's meals on wheels'

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On a plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed'

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On another plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber'

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On a church's bill board:

'7 days without God makes one week'

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At a tyre store:

'Invite us to your next blowout'

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On an electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shots'

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In a non-smoking area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action'

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On a maternity room door:

'Push! Push! Push!'

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At an optometrist's office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place'

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On a taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff''

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On a fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

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At a car dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment'

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Outside a car exhaust store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming'

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In a vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

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In a restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry' come on in and get fed up'

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In the front yard of funeral home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait'

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At a Radiator shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak'

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Sign on the back of yet another septic tank truck:

'Caution - This truck is full of political promises'

 

Tags:Horn,Signs

• Current Mood: amused

Sex, Church, Pancakes

** SEX The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status , she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' ** Church A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the Preacher's' hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine Sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' ** Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him Pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' the boy exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied, 'The rest are for your father.' Tags:Sex,church,pancakes

• Current Mood: amused

Loch Ness Monster & The Good Boss

** A little girl goes up to her mother and asks: 'Mama, how many type of men are there?'

A bit surprised, the woman answers:

'During his life, a man goes through 3 phases: up to about 29, he is like the bush in the garden, hard and perky. Up to about 49, he is like an oak tree, strong, enduring and reliable. From 65 onwards he is like the Christmas tree, with the balls only there as decorations.'

** The manager asked his secretary to type a note, calling all personal for a meeting on Thursday.The secretary, not very smart with spelling, asked: 'Does Thursday spelt with an I or U ?'

The Boss answered: 'Make it Monday.'

** Two men in a bar. One says to the other:

'My boss is really good and easy to work for.'

'How nice for you. What does he do?'

'H spends most of the time dozing.'

'And you, what do you do?'

'Naturally I help.'

** A man goes to the library. He asks the librarian politely: "Can you please tell me where can I find the book called 'The man, the most perfect species on earth'?"

She answered: "Sorry, we don't keep science-fiction here."

** A tourist in Scotland was hoping very much to have a glimpse of the famous Loch Ness Monster. He asked the tour-guide:

"About what time of the day or night does the Monster usually surface from the Loch?"

"Could be any time. Usually after the 5th Scotch." The Guide replied.

Tags:OakTree,Monster,Boss

• Current Mood: amused

Remembering A Friend ...

Several years ago, I had a friend, British, who lost his wife to cancer, only after a short period of being diagnosed. They were the closest and the most loving couple I had ever known, permanently holding hands so each could only drink coffee with one free hand. Then she died. They were both in their late 50's. Within barely a month, just when I was wondering how he was coping with what must be devastating grief. Not having seen him around for about 2 weeks so I rang. Many times, the phone rang each time, but never answered. One morning while sitting in my usual cafe, I saw him pass by. He walked, more like tottering with unsteady steps, painfully slowly, as though he was lost or in a daze. I ran out to greet him and was shocked to see he was not the same man as he was merely 2-3 weeks before: confident and self-assured. He was unshaven, hair unkempt, his shirt was half hanging outside his trousers, and wearing different coloured socks. What really scared me was he didn't seem to recognise me at all, and not able to answer any of my concerned questions, but mumbling something I couldn't understand. He wouldn't go with me to the cafe as I suggested, and walked off without really having said a word directly to me. I followed him with my eyes and saw him sit down at some distance from where I was, on a bench at the pavement. I phoned the police and asked them to see whether this man was okay or needing some special assistance. In the meantime, I told the cafe where I had left my coffee not finished that I would be back later, and walked towards where he sat. My sitting right next to him neither disturbed or delighted him with my company, until the police arrived, and I explained what little I knew, just the area of his house, ( not his address as I didn't know and had never been), his name, his circumstances, his phone number and the name of another friend who I thought had known him far longer than I had, and also lived in the same area. The police took him away. From the other friend I later learned that his only son in England had come in a hurry and taken him back to UK. In fact he, the son, had then phoned me later after he found my phone number in his father's note book, and thanked me for alerting the police who in turn informed him. He was diagnosed in England with Alzheimer. Not yet 60 of age! He died soon after getting back to his native home, no doubt of a broken heart over his wife's passing, that led to his dementia and death. I guess he had simply given up living. I remembered him today because I read that the Doctor who had defined Alzheimer as a disease, a medical condition, and not as most people thought connected directly with a person getting old and senile. Dr. Robert Katzman had died in his home in San Diego, aged 82. Tags: Friend, Alzheimer

• Current Mood: indescribable