The Nuns' Story

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye .... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought ... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS, HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business ..."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Tags:Nuns,Sinner

• Current Mood: amused

Marriage Versus Mortgage

Even though I am quite happy with my long established habit of reading newspapers each morning, I got quite indignant today reading a short report with the title: 'The House Mortgage Has Reduced Divorce Drastically '. It went on to support this claim by statistics showing that a year ago 64 couples divorced everyday in our region of Spain, but now the average divorce figure has come down to 49 couples daily.

According to the report the down trend is due to the higher cost of mortgage repayments, interests, and general increased prices of keeping a household going. A divorce will cost around 2,500 - 4,000 €, depending on geographic locations and how good (or bad) the divorce lawyer you hire. Whereas canceling a holiday might just pay for that, keeping 2 houses instead of one is totally impossible and unthinkable. So, whom the mortgage had united, let not even God separate.

It annoys me that nowadays some media and press think they are capable of elaborating sentiments, entering our minds and knowing what goes on even behind the doors of married couples. Couldn't they have supposed that people don't divorce because they love each other, and prefer to confront whatever problems they might have, together? There's less divorce because there's more love? Or the consideration of the young offsprings.

Figures are just figures. Mortgage is but a financial responsibility. No more, no less. The commitment of love, deep sentiments and responsibilities for one's family is a totally different matter.

Tags:marriage,divorce,mortgage,responsibility

• Current Mood: blah

Ginger & Wenda

The BBC reported an incident happened in New York, involving a street-cleaning truck, a man and his dog. The truck was the kind commonly seen in cities anywhere, wit huge rotating brushes that sweep the street dirt - scattered leaves, paper, tins, cigarette butts, towards an opening at the back of the truck, and automatically suck up the lot into the container inside.

This fatal day while the truck was going slowly on the street doing it's duty, a little dog suddenly got in front of one of those giant brushes by the opening at the back of the truck and - Shwooop! - disappeared within. The owner froze, stunned, with the dog leash dangling in his hand.

The scene recalled a film I saw years ago, " A Fish Called Wanda ", in which an old lady was walking in the street with her 3 little dogs, and a character played by Michael Palin was supposed to kill this lady. Being slow-witted and clumsy, he killed one of her dogs instead of her. He tried a second time, once again the woman was left alive but another of her dogs was killed. She got one dog only left, and I began guessing that the 3ed would most likely meet the same fate, just a question of how.

Well this time Michael Palin fixed an enormous block of cement onto some sort of a big and heavy rope, with the idea that the block of cement should fall on the old woman. As was foreseeable, the cement block fell on the dog, when the woman was tangled with the task of opening up her umbrella (it had suddenly decided to rain) while carrying on walking, without noticing what had happened to her dog, because the leash she had was the kind that lengthened and lengthened with every pull.

When finally, she turned and saw the huge mount of cement on the road and part of her dog leash sticking out from underneath. She collapsed and had a massive heart attack. To imagine that the advertising of that movie called it a comedy!

The difference is that what happened in New York was a fact. The owner was Robert Machin, and the ill-fated dog was called Ginger, a Boston terrier. Machin witnessed the horrifying scene he could never forget, he said, how he noticed a mighty jerk, and Ginger was caught twirling with the brush to disappear inside the container.


The similar part with the film is that the leash for Ginger was also one of those that lengthens and lengthens, for meters and meters. Easily let the animal get tangled with all sorts of obstacles, or even with another person, causing accidents to one or both. Or get strangled for instance should it get twined round a lamp-post.

Dog owners please take note of the danger, not just to your 4 legged friend but likely to yourself too, should you unconsciously hold tight the leash trying to save the dog and got yourself tangled in the middle.

Tags:Ginger,Wenda,Dog,Fish

• Current Mood: awake

True & Funny Court Records

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Tag:CourtRecords

• Current Mood: amused

Funny Comments By Doctors

These are supposed to be true and I wouldn't be too surprised.

** A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs  and I was in the wrong one.
- Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

** At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
- Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

** One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
- Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

** During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
- Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

** While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years ... when my husband was alive."
- Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis

** I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet ... labeled 'KY Jelly.'
- Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

** A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
- Submitted by RN, no name

** As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
- Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Tags:Doctors,comments

• Current Mood: amused