Intelligence, Or Cunning?

IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I am a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

Tags:grandpa,IRS

Current Mood: Amused

Facts About Men & Women

** Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
** Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
** Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
** Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
** Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
** If its attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
** Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
** The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
** Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know everything.
** Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
** A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner's. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
** Men love watches with multiple functions. My boyfriend has one that is a combination of address book, telescope and piano.
** All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
** Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
** Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
** Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
** Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters but snore.
** Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
** Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
** If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious about you.

** Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
** No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
** When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
** Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
**Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
**Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
** If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget ... he didn't lose your number ... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
** Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
** Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you ... I want to marry you ... I want to have your babies." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
** Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example:
"Mitch, you look great."
Mitch:"Thanks. "
On the other side:"Ruth, you look great."
Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
** Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
** Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
** Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all with buttons and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually buttons and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
** Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
** When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
** Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - they begin to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
** Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
** Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
** All men would still really like to own a train set.

Tags:menwomen

Current Mood: Amused

The Rain

It began to pour this morning when I was half way between my house and the cafe, my regular haunt, where I practice my daily ritual of having coffee, with newspaper preferably, or any idle gossip will do should the papers were in the hands of other customers. I was annoyed of being caught unprepared; if only it LOOKED as it's going to rain BEFORE I left the house, then I could have brought along an umbrella.

Strangely the sun was shining at the same time, BRILLIANTLY! As if Heaven was mocking me, laughing at my silly but serious ritual, at my being distressed over the inevitable; at the unpredictable turn of things in life nobody seems to be prepared for; at life itself, so beautiful and meaningful, yet stained with absurdities of hunger and diseases, injustice and violence.

Then as if by magic, the rain stopped, as abruptly as it began only five minutes before, just when I reached the door of the cafe, soaking wet. Cursing quietly, because that's what I was supposed to do after being played a trick on, but I was really quite happy to be once again on dry ground, in cosy atmosphere, dotted with the familiar faces, humming with muffled conversations, and smelling the heavenly aroma of freshly ground coffee. Nobody had seemed to mind my leaving wet shoe-prints on the floor. Adding to my pleasure, there appeared the most magical rainbow now hanging low in the sky!

Do I have to get soaking wet to appreciate that rain or shine, life takes it's course, and the faces I saw then were the same faces before the troublesome rain, the same friendly surroundings, though ordinary as it has always been, forms nevertheless part of my life, where I chat cheerfully sometimes, let my thoughts run wild at others, small achievements celebrated with a 2nd cup of coffee or even a glass of Champagne, and sorrows or disappointments are reasoned out, put in their right prospective or, more positively, discarded.

It's not a bad day after all but a perfectly wonderful day, I concluded.

Tag:rain

Current Mood: Bouncy

Garden Of Sensation & Sensuality

'Sant Joan de Deu' is a new and unusual garden, situated in Almacelles, Spain. It's the only one of it's kind so far in this country, opened up in 2009. It was 'invented' and 'put together' specially to offer the intellectually incapacitated people the opportunity to wake up, develop, and enjoy the sensations of nature, by sight, sound, feel and touch, through colours, texture and aroma. These senses stimulate memory, feelings of pleasure and well being of the 350 severely incapacitated people already. Most of them showed great desire to revisit the garden.

The many different inebriating aromas, the creaking of wood chips under the feet, an obligatory path to walk over small pebbles, stepping on a short passage of gravel. the relief when sinking the feet in fine sand, or the refreshing trickle of water on their hands ... are some of the concentrated sensations in this garden designed with the sole purpose of helping these special people to experience all the sensations the sighted take for granted, and thus missed, by many. The garden serves, therefore, as a time machine, to recall past memories, connecting the scent and touch with other times and other experiences.

The visitors are encouraged to smell and to touch with their hands the flowers, plants, grass and trees, as well as other structural materials: walls, floors, passage ways, stones ... Quite a contrast to the conventional gardens with the 'Don't touch' signs everywhere. All the plants are specially selected with thick, sturdy and strong stems, none bears thorns naturally, as some of the disability include blindness and deafness. It seems that the scent and aroma factor is the most influential in the association with these people's infancy or certain period of the past, in connection with their present life.

There is also an area specially designed for people in wheelchairs; Many areas are with soothing background music too, for calming effect and listening pleasure.

A wonderful garden for anyone I think, not just the underprivileged. I would certainly love to visit.

Tags:sensualgarden

Current Mood: Artistic