Ze English Is No Easy ...

Ze English is no easy! ( Translated English signs from around the world)

• Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN


• Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR


• Doctor’s office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES


• Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS


• Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER


• Athi River highway (main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi): TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE


• Kencom poster: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP


• Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES


• Tokyo hotel's regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED


• Swiss restaurant menu: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR


• Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS


• Yugoslavia hotel: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID


• Japan hotel: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID


• Lobby of Moscow hotel: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY


• Sign in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE


• Zurich hotel: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE


• Rome laundry: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Some funny quotes

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
  [Eleanor Roosevelt]


• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
  [Jimmy Durante]


• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
  [Zsa Zsa Gabor]


• Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
  [Spike Milligan]

Tags:Fnnyuquotes,English

Current Mood: Amused

Silly Jokes Requested By Mari

** Reason for divorce
Hymie is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

** The birthday present
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s expecting a diamond necklace."

** Business failure
Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. “You know Harry, I can’t understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas.”
“Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure,” replied Harry.
“But I can’t remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life,” said Benny.
“You’re correct there,“ said Harry, “but all my competitors did.”

** The present
As little Rivkah climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
Rivkah stared at him, open mouthed and horrified, then gasped, "Didn't you get my email?"

** What charge?
It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"But that's not an offence," said Judge Levy.
"It is if you do it before the shop opens," said the defendant.

** Money, money
Maurice and Sadie were having a heated discussion on family finances. Finally Maurice exploded,

"If it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
"Darling, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here." Sadie replied

Tags:sillyjokes

Current Mood: Amused

Think Before You Leap

Cowboy's Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
 

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range.

He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!”

Tags:snake,cowboy

Current Mood: Amused