24th Nov 2011 Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, The Husband

The Husband ~

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' 

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.' 

Elementary Dear Watson ~

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.' 

Tags: holmes, husband, watson

Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Who Reads Newspapers? An Interesting Alternative View

24th Nov 2011 Who Reads Newspapers? An Interesting Alternative View

• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
• The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
• The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

Tags: newspapers

Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Observations - Funny, Witty, Might Even Be True

24th Nov 2011 Observations - Funny, Witty, Might Even Be True

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. 
2. If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison.
   It went a lot faster with two people digging. 
3. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 
4. In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. 
5. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. 
6. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. 
7. Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
8. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. 
9. He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave. 
10. This guy is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Tags: observations

Prev: 24th Nov 2011 Kings & Commoners

24th Nov 2011 Kings & Commoners

By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph) ~

Some years ago an American tourist, 'doing' Europe, remarked to a fellow traveller on a bus in Stockholm, "You know, buddy, America is the most democratic country in the world. Ordinary citizens can go to the White House to see the President and discuss things with him".

The man replied, "That’s nothing. In Sweden, the King and the people travel on the same bus". The American laughed scornfully at this ludicrous claim. It was not until the Swede reached his destination and alighted from the bus that another traveller leaned over to enquire,

"Did you enjoy sharing your seat with King Gustav Adolph VI?"

By MoiMoii in Spain, today, now ~

I know King Carlos of Spain and Queen Sofia, often walk in the streets in very casual clothing, or shopping in some ordinary shops, with no bodyguards escorting or hiding anywhere. Naturally they are also often stopped by the public and some would approach them wishing to shake hands or speak with the royalty. The King would smile, extend his hand and chat with them briefly. He is so loved and respected by all his subjects, he knows he doesn't need bodyguards.

Tags: kings, commoners

Prev: 24th Nov 2011 The Library That Lends Out People

24th Nov 2011 The Library That Lends Out People

The library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf - by David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 - Daily Telegraph)

A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to "lend out" living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, Gipsies and the physically handicapped.

 

The volunteers will be 'borrowed' by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library's director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media. Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalised members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.

"It has raised a lot of interest, great number of people have already called with questions like: 'Do I need a library card?" said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added. "Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café."

 

Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: "I've got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I've got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman in real poverty who has been living on social security benefits for many years". Mr Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland's small Roma Gipsy community after a recent attack on two Gipsy families in the city of Enschede.

Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.

 

"Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything," he said. "And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee."

Tags: library

Prev: 23rd Nov 2011 Men And Babies