A Friend's Advice ~

"My wife died yesterday .... I am trying to cry but tears are not coming out! This will look real bad in the funeral. What do I do?"

"No problem. Just imagine she came back."

 

The Man That Can't die ~

Jackson saw an old friend walking along the sea front at Southsea. 'Hello Harry,' he said, 'How are you?' It was only then that Jackson realised that Harry only had one leg ! 

'What happened to you?' he inquired. 'My wife left me so I jumped in front of a train but it only took my leg off.' 

Jackson then noticed that Harry only had one hand and in its place was a hook. 'What happened to your hand?' he asked.

'I tried it again, 'he replied,' and the train just took my hand off.' 

Jackson, again noticed that Harry also had a glass eye. 'What's up with your eye?' he asked, this time with considerable trepidation. 

'Well,' said the Harry, 'after two attempts to take my life I thought God doesn't want me to die, so I looked to the sky and said 'thank you, God', and a passing seagull made a deposit right in my eye ! ! ! 

'But you can't loose an eye through bird muck.' insisted Jackson.

Harry looked down at the floor and said, 'I'd only had the hook for three days!'

Tags: blackhumour

Prev: 4th Feb 2012 Commandments For My Dog (my re-post with illustrations stolen from Asbo Mick)
Next: 21st Feb 2012 An Irresistible Ad.

24th Feb 2012 Commandments For My Dog

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watchest me eat.

`Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy findeth in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making
licking and popping noises.

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCHEST the cat while she is in her litterbox.
(she liketh her privacy)

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou
hast been offended by me!

Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a good time. (thou hast been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encountereth.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the
mouth while I am sleeping.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 3 a.m.

Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly friendly
with my mother-in-law's leg.

no! no! bad dog!

Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair!
Don't rip the stuffing from the chair.
Don't chew my shoes, what is this mush?
Eat your cookies, drink your drink,
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!
Away from the litterbox, it's for the cat.|
(And must you kiss me after that!?)
Raising a puppy is not for the lazy,
Those rugrats are funny but also quite crazy.
Don't despair through the toil and the strife,
Cause after three years, you'll get back your life.
So let's go for walkies so you can do your "thing."
And maybe I'll get back my good diamond ring!

Prev: 24th Feb 2012 Let Me Have A Kilo Of Shakespere Please
Next: 21st Feb 2012 An Irresistible Ad.

24th Feb 2012 Let Me Have A Kilo Of Shakespeare Please

Recently, just around midnight in the centre of Barcelona, one can see some people dragging large and seemingly heavy plastic bags, similar to those used for rubbish, to the wall of one of those convents which, in the old days, kept vigil on the mental health of the district. They then empty out the contents, all of it books, and pile them neatly and orderly along the wall, and leave. They are books of all types, mainly literature or specialised titles, no cheap holiday pocket versions one throws out after the journey or in the middle of it. These all in good condition, obviously belonged to people or establishments that had taken good care of them.

 

These books would all be taken away comes the morning by whoever want them. It's obvious that less people today read books, especially literature, quite unlike the old days. There are far more things to do now to past the time and far more ways to get information, easily and quickly. There are also E-books now or read anything you wish on-line. I don't doubt that there are still people who love and treasure books, I am one of them, and this to me is almost good news, except that Barcelona is too far away for early morning treasure hunt for me.

Apparently there are also a couple of shops that sell used books by weight. As a side line of course. They put these books in several categories, like history, biography, literature, detective ... or by names of famous authors. Books you choose would be weighed on a scale and you pay for the weight. Prices are different depending on the value put on the book content or the author, or how well known the books are. 

I don't how much is a kilo of Shakespeare or Gone with the wind plus Harry Potter; the idea is somewhat absurd but nevertheless fascinating. And truly sad. 

Tags: kilo, shakespeare, books

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