My Curriculum Vitae

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Tags:curriculumvitae

• Current Mood: Amused

Who Is The Naughty Boy Then?

Parrots, after dogs and cats, are probably almost 'human', when treated with love and trained well, and make very popular pets, at least it seems so with the Spanish. Especially with the breed that can be trained to speak. Some of them do that brilliantly. I have met with a few and one was taught to say "Who is the naughty boy / girl then?" I am not kidding, the bird distinguished male and female and changed the word in his parody!! That's the only phrase he could say in English, the rest of his vocabulary was in Spanish. He belonged to a hotel-restaurant not far from my home. I am sure half the clients went there because of the parrot not the food, which in my opinion was rather average. When the owners divorced, the bird went away with the wife and, I can't say for the other customers, but I have never been back there again.

A few months ago, a little parrot, called Lola, made news for days being the cause of a severe dispute between neighbours, ending up with one family throwing stones up to the balcony of the other where the parrot was kept; apparently because Lola was repeating everything they said, or imitating noises and often insulted them. Before the stone throwing episode, there had been anonymous letters and parading of picket boards in front of the bird owner's house.

Similar incidents recalled by the locals that way back to the very old days, a writer assured that he had an uncle who tried to mate carrier or homing pigeons with a devilishly virile and garrulous parrot, hoping to create a new breed to transmit spoken messages!! True or not is debatable, but makes interesting anecdotes.

There had been on record 3 famous parrots, or rather, infamous, one was kept by a train station master. It imitated perfectly the whistle of the master, and sending the trains off all by himself whether it's time or not they were scheduled to go. Another belonged to the Bar Quimet in Barcelona, who used to confuse the drivers of the city tram cars doing exactly the same thing. A third one whistled to set off the number 36 and 52 buses, paid compliments to ladies and called men drunkards! All that was in the past decade.

Now, if you are interested in meeting another naughty parrot, he is in La Licorera, a wine and spirit store, in Taulat Street in Barcelona. He would happily chat to you if you buy something. If you don't, the owner declares that he's not responsible for whatever the parrot might say!

Tags:parrot,pigeon

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The First Day, The Last Meal & The Package

** The First day
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
 
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!'

At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."

** The package.
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.

The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"

** The last meal
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.

Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.

Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait . . . "

Tags:FirstDay,LastMeal

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A Real Woman ...

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So ... if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. Tags:woman

• Current Mood: Awake