Wise Cracks

** I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

** Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

** Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

** The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 

** The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 

** To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

** When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

 

** A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

** A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

 

** Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

 

** We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

 

** When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

 

** The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

 

** The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground

 

** The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 

** If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

 

** A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

 

** Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 

** In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

** The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

** If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

** With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

** Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

 

** When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

** The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

** A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

** You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

** Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

** He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

Tags: WiseCracks

Don't Shoot The Messenger

There seems to be a survey about every subject under the sun these days. The one I read about recently is a report about tourists that visit Spain, mostly concentrating on those who come here during summer. In recent years though they come pretty much throughout the year, with the tour operators more conscientious in providing a lot more so called theme-holidays, covering far wider range of choices, combining culture, culinary, painting, sketching, architecture, historic sites; or the ones combining tuition in languages, cooking, dancing the flamingo or guitar playing ... You name it, they supply it.

Back to the survey. 15,000 hotels all over Europe took part in finding out tourists of what nationalities are well liked & which ones are not, and why. The findings are rather amusing.

• For instance, the Americans who years before chewed gum & ignored all native culture & language, look only for fast food restaurants " like the ones back home ", have apparently changed & now set off in search of culture armed with the pocket phrase book. They are also the biggest spenders & good tippers together with the Russians. So they are now placed on top of the list.
• But the most loved tourists are Japanese, polite, quiet, easily pleased & never complain. Also generous tippers. The Chinese share the same accolade. They come 2nd.
• The Swiss, friendly & courteous, come 3rd, German come 5th, but are labelled very poor tippers. The only tourists who are worse in that respect are the French & the Italian.
• Dress sense, not a strong point either with the German, only beaten at the bottom of the list by the British & the Americans. Sandals with socks & entering restaurants in beach clothes, some with bare wet feet. As they had always done in the past.
• When it comes to bad manners & lack of respect to locals, the British & the Russian share the same recognition, & are placed at the bottom of the list.
• As to the Spanish, when they are abroad, they nearly never tip so they come 4th from the last. But they are thought to be always elegant & they come 4th in the best liked category. They are also considered very loud in public.
• The most unpopular who scored the least in every category are the French. They have no interest in the local language, rarely tip, & are usually unfriendly & sometimes aggressive. They were placed last at 28th.
• Most of the findings are echoed as well by those whose main business is solely or mainly connected with tourism.

 

I am sure many of you might not agree at all with some or all of these but, please don't shoot the messenger; I am only telling what the survey says.

Lost Luggage & Parachute Dilemma

These might seem like jokes, but not funny if they should happen to you!

 

** Will's experience at Gatwick

 

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

 

"Now," she asked Will, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

** Guy's experience at Heathrow

 

At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags. He puts them down and says to the young lady, "I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban."

 

Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, "I'm afraid we can't do that, sir."

 

"Why not?" demands Guy, "you did the last time I flew with you."

 

** The Two Parachute Dilemma

 

There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.

  

The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.

 The second, Larry, was an American Hall of Footballer.

 The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.

 

The conversation went thus:

 

Seamus said, 'There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion. So I'll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one' .

 

With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane which, incidentally, was by now in considerable distress.

 

'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?', Larry asked Bruce.

No worries' , Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack',

 

Tags: Luggage,Parachute