Funny Advice For Women; Advice For Funny Women

** Aspire to be Barbie – That girl has everything.

** If the shoe fits - Buy them in every colour.

** Take life with a pinch of salt - A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

** In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls.

** Go on the 30 day diet.- I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days.

** When life gets you down - Just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

** Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

** I know I'm in my own little world, but it’s OK. - They know me here.

** Don't get your knickers in a knot. - It solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

** When life gives you lemons in 2012 - Turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

** Keep your chin up: Only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

** If it has Tyres or Testicles – it’s going to give you trouble.

** By the time a women realizes her mother was right: She has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

** Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man - There is probably some woman tired of his behaviour.

** Good friends are like stars - You don't always see them, but you know they are always there".

** Remember yesterday. Dream about tomorrow. - But live for today.

** Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bycicle.

** Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

** Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

** Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

** Alcohol does not solve any problem but neither does milk.

Tags:advice,women

Poem - I Love My Job

Tags:poem,job

Current Mood: Amused

Noo... Not The Scots Again, The Mean Lot!!!

The Scots have the (unjustified) reputation of being stingy. But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves. Here are few examples; - Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round. Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorati!ng, I see." to which Donald replied "No. I'm moving house." Old Tom, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tom had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tom. The minister tucked into them and then said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them ..." Callen decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear. A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Well, Mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age." At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!" A Scottish newspaper ad : "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value". Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said: "Oh lord please I beg you, let it be blood!" Tags:ScotishHumour

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Things To Keep ...

Tags:things...

Prev: Noo ... Not The Scots Again, The Mean Lot !!!

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Ahh ... The Scots Again !!

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, can't afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said,

"Got to hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell out!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. I've lost my wee store and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins...

Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my wee store, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.

"I've lost my business, ma house and my car. My bairns are starving. I don't often ask Ye for help and I have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE, just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get back on my feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock, at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

Tags:scots2

Current Mood: Amused

Ahh ... The Scots!

A Scottish boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says:

"I'd like to place an obituary for my late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money you intend to spend?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" . So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, died"

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more words. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid died. Ford Escort for sale"

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,

"Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes to the doctors' far a wee physical before taking on a new job. When she returns her hubby notices she's just busting with pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been to the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby jeers ..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies.

Tag:TheScots

Current Mood: Amused

Crying InThe Rain With A Stranger

It must have been close to a year now that I haven't seen anything of the Catman. I had blogged about him a few times in the past and had wondered about him often. Not so much about him really, more about his cat, who always wore a little red scarf round the neck, and sat on his shoulder each and every time this man passed by the cafe where I sit in the mornings. Then one day, after a fairly long absence, the man walked by again, but the cat on his shoulder was wearing a blue scarf and I was surprised, and worried, suspecting whether the longer than usual absence was due to losing the cat, and perhaps the blue scarf was because it's a new cat. Anyway, I never did find out, as the man was just someone, for years, I saw passing, but still really a stranger to me. Until today. I saw him sitting on the wooden bench by the roadside opposite the beach, alone. I slowed down my pace thinking whether I should go up to him and inquire about why the cat was not on his shoulder as usual. I wondered whether the cat was all right, and I wondered whether the worst had finally happened, that it might have passed away, and I wondered whether he would mind my asking all or any of those questions I felt I must know. Somehow, over the years, I have regarded them almost as my friends, especially the cat. The curiosity, and anxiety, got the better of my hesitation and I walked up to him and asked, without any preamble, how his cat was. He looked up at me, for a couple of seconds that seemed like eternity, as if time had stopped altogether, without saying anything. I was busy thinking should I apologise for having disturbed him and left or ... then he started shaking his head and said: " Coco disappeared; he went out one day and never returned. It's worse than had he died, than not knowing whether he had been killed in traffic, or badly hurt somewhere, suffering." He had reported it to the police, but no one took him seriously, just advised him to get a new cat. That was several months ago, and he was sure he had lost his intimate and loyal friend for ever. I was truly sad and didn't know what to say. I mumbled my condolences and told him how I had often thought of them, that I used to look forward to watching them pass by, that I started missing them when they didn't for a long time ... Suddenly he reached out a hand for mine and I noted a slight squeeze of the hand on mine. I was very touched to see tears welled up in his eyes. He lives alone and Coco was his only friend and companion. I asked his permission to let me sit by him for a couple of minutes. He seemed to appreciate that and we sat together, at first silent, then he was quietly sobbing. It began to drizzle as though the sky had sensed our sadness too. Without my noticing how it started, tears ran down my cheeks too and he began to comfort me instead of me consoling him. He got up to send me on my way as there were more rain drops then. I gave him a kiss on his cheek, he smiled, thanked me, and watched me leave for the cafe. When I reached it and turned to look, he was still there waving to me. We still don't know each other's name, but that was not important. He is not a stranger any more nor is the cat. They are Catman and Coco, my friends. I don't know whether Coco is safe and sound, dead or alive. But even in his absence he had put me and Catman together and revealed their story that had intrigued me for years. I wish now I had been bold enough to ask whether I could look him up sometime ... Tags:coco,catman

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