14th Dec 2011 Who Is The Boss?

Window vices Door ~

A woman customer called the Canon computer help desk reporting a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

Who Is The Boss  ~

Have you realised yet that computers are controlling more and more aspects of our lives? It is a genuine concern.

For instance, if you've worked in a modern office building, you've probably come across the ventilation problem: if you get hot, you can't just open the window. You usually have to ask 'building services', often in a call centre on the other side of the world, to turn up the air conditioning via the building's computer system.

There is now a company in New Zealand Will and Guy have been told who might be rethinking their reliance on this type of computer control.

Mill St "Pak'n Save Supermarket" in Hamilton, New Zealand was supposed to be closed for Good Friday.

However, it seems that no one told the Computer in charge of controlling the shop, meaning that the doors were opened as normal on Friday morning and the lights turned on, but without any staff being at work.

Naturally the stock didn't stay on the shelves for long; but most of the "customers" didn't go to the trouble of paying for it, although some did, using the automated checkouts.

Maybe it's time to rethink how much power we give to our Computers.

Tags: window, door, computer

Prev: 14th Dec 2011 He And The Dishy Blonde

13th Dec 2011 Wife Of The Deaf Farmer & Viagra

Wife Of The Deaf Farmer ~

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Price Of Viagra ~

Grandpa found Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet and asked if he could try one. The son said, "I don't know, they're very strong and expensive."

"How much?" he asked.

“$10 dollars a pill,” the son said.

"I don't care. I'll try one, and leave the money under your pillow.”

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He tells Grandpa,

"I said each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know, Grandpa replies, "the $100 is from Grandma.

Tags: viagra, deaffarmer

Prev: 12th Dec 2011 Very Funny Puny

12th Dec 2011 The Farmer, The Hillbilly, & The City Slicker

The Farmer and The City Slicker ~
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray BaTrn sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The farmer thinks it over, it's a huge herd so he accepts the bet.

The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

Within seconds he receives an email on his Smart phone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,423 cows'.

The farmer is astonished because the city slicker's figure is exactly correct. He says, 'OK, I'm a man of my word, take a cow.' The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.


'Wait,' yells the farmer, 'Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.' The city slicker agrees readily.

'You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says the farmer.
'Good grief!' splutters the city slicker, 'You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?'

'Easy,' says the farmer, 'give me back my dog, and I will tell you.'
"No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.

Hillbilly Knows Best ~

A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.

'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?'

'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?'
'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a "match".

'Match? Never heard of it.'
'Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers.

'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.'
'Well, why not?'
'I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.'

Tags: hillbilly, cityslicker

Prev: 11th Dec 2011 A Delicate Matter - The Bull, The Hog, The Cow
Next: 12th Dec 2011 Very Funny Puny

11th Dec 2011 A Delicate Matter - The Bull, The Hog, The Cow

A delicate matter ~

Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.
'No, sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.

Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Have you heard this one?
Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Not a bunch, herd,' his mate replied.
'Heard of what?'
'Herd of cows.'
'Of course I've heard of cows.'
'No, a cow herd.'
'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'

Tags: hog, cow, bull

Prev: 11th Dec 2011 Strange Things Found In Returned Library Books
Next: 12th Dec 2011 The Farmer, The Hillbilly & The City Slicker

10th Psychaitrest & Proctologist

The best friends from medical school at the same time decided that, in spite of 2 different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Do. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign that reads: 'Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones - Hysterias and Posteriors.'

The town council was livid and insisted they changed it, so the docs changed it to read: 'Schizoids and Haemorrhoids'

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

'Catatonics and High Colonics' - No go.

Next, they tried 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives'. - Thumbs down again.

Then came 'Minds and behinds' - Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes!' - Unacceptable again!

So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts' - Not a chance.

'Nuts and Butts'. - No way.

'Freaks and cheeks' - Still no good.

'Loons and Moons' - Forget it.

Almost an their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: 'Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones - Specialzing in Odds and Ends'

Everyone loved it.

Tags: psychaitrist, proctologist

Prev: 10th Dec 2011 Farmer's Humour
Next: 10th Dec 2011 The Greek Bailout

10th Dec 2011 The Greek Bailout

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village, the streets are deserted and times are tough - everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

In the evening, a rich German tourist drives through the village, stops at the hotel and asks for a room for the night. "¤100" says the hotel owner. The German lays a ¤100 note on the desk, picks up his key and goes up to his room.

· The hotelier immediately grabs the ¤100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

· The butcher takes the ¤100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

· The pig farmer takes the ¤100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

· The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the ¤100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the Taverna.

· The publican slips the money along to the local floozy drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

· The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill and gives the proprietor the ¤100 note, which he puts on the reception desk.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, puts his key down, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the ¤100 note and leaves town.

No one produced anything / No one earned anything - but the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!

Tags: bailout

Prev: 10th Dec 2011 Psychaitrist & Proctologist
Next: 11th Dec 2011 Last Words & Comments From Experts, Good For A Laugh

10t'h Dec 2011 Farmer's Humour

* Farm Sign ~

The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free,

But The Bull Charges.

* Rancher John ~

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.

* Farmer's Names ~

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.

It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.'

The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.'

The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'

The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'

* Never Felt Better ~

In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Brien the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.'

Tags: farmerhumour

Prev: 9th Dec 2011 Thinking, Pondering, Wondering, Feeling ...
Next: 10th Dec 2011 Psychaitrist & Proctologist

9th Dec 2011 Thinking, Pondering, Wondering, Feeling ...

Laughter translates into any language.

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.

Erotica is simply high-class pornography; better produced, better conceived, better executed, better packaged, designed for a better class of consumer.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

What is now proved was only once imagined.

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

They teach anything in universities today. You can major in mud pies.

 

Tags: feeling, pondering

Prev: 9th Dec 2011 The Unique Penguin And Marilyn
Next: 10th Dec 2011 Farmer's Humour

9th Dec 2011 The Unique Penguin & Marilyn

The Penguin With A Big Heart ~

Never seen before until now, same or similar, in the Antarctic. A young Emperor penguin in this photo below shows a most singular and perfectly shaped heart in white, on the grey fury chest of the penguin. It's as though it's heart is too big to be housed inside it's body.

The image was captured by Sue Flood, a professional photographer for over 20 years, specialised in wild life photography in the Antarctic She commented that it has to be the rarest case, one in a million, that a penguin has such a clear and absolutely natural marking, almost like 'painted' white to show off on the grey fury chest front. It was emphasised that there had been no Photoshop technique involved, not even with the slightest retouching.

Once Again, Marilyn ~

I also found today another picture of Marilyn, not a particularly good picture at all, nor does it do her justice, just a snapshot. The only reason I put it here anyway is because it's one I have never seen before, when all along I thought I must have seen all there's to see about her; you see, I am a big fan of hers.

With her in the image was her fashion designer William Travilla who created for her, amongst other memorable ones, the most worldwide famous dress she wore in the film 'The temptation lives upstairs', sold in an auction this summer for 3,2 million dollars.

Tags: marilyn, penguin

Prev: 8th Dec 2011 The American, The Welsh Farmer, And Little Tommy
Next: 9th Dec 2011 Thinking, Pondering, Wondering, Feeling ...

8th Dec 2011 If My Body Was A Car ...

Funny yes, but scary how true it is!!

** If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

** I've got bumps, dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it.

** My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
** My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
** My white walls are stained with varicose veins.
** It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
And the worst of it all -

** Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

 

Tags: carbody

Prev: TEST BLOG - servicekimmie
Next: 8th Dec 2011 The American, The Welsh Farmer, And Little Tommy

8th Dec 2011 The American, The Welsh Farmer & Little Tommy

The American and the Welsh Farmer ~

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. ' Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'

Easy To Swallow? ~

Paula and her husband Chris had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully: 'Do it again, Dad!'

Tags: farmer, tommy, american

Prev: 8th Dec 2011 If My Body Was A Car ...
Next: 9th Dec 2011 The Unique Penguin And Marilyn

7th Dec 2011 Weird Or Funny, You Decide ...

• Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
• I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
• I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
• I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I lost a buttonhole...
• If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
• On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
• In Las Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
• I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
• I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
• I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.”
• A glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
• I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
• My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
• My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
• A metaphor is like a simile.

Tags: funny, weird

Prev: 7th Dec 2011 Funny Tales Of Mothers In History
Next: TEST BLOG - servicekimmie

7th Dec 2011 Funny Tales Of Mothers In History

Mothers In History ~

• Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
• Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.
• Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?
• George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
• Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
• Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.
• Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
• Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
• Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
• Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something ... ?
• An extra laugh for posterity: Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years.

Tags: mothers

Prev: 6th Dec 2011 Tales Of Senior Citizens
Next: 7th Dec 2011 Weird Or Funny? You Decide

6th Dec 2011 Tales Of Senior Citizens

A Lost Senior Citizen ~

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.' 

I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me home-made soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.' 

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.' 

I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Old Flame? ~

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?' 

'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

 

Tags: seniorcitizens

Prev: 6th Dec 2011 Funny Small Ads On Newspapers
Next: 7th Dec 2011 Funny Tales Of Mothers In History

6th Dec 2011 Funny Small Ads On Newspapers

• Buy: "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $500 a month. References required.
• Tired of working for only $10.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $8 - $10 per hour.
• Free puppies: part German shepherd, part dog.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Free Puppies: ½ Cocker Spaniel, + ½ sneaky neighbour's dog.
• Free Puppies: Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd and Father, Super Dog........ able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
• Joining Nudist colony: Must sell washer and dryer £100.
• Wedding dress For Sale: Worn once by mistake. Call Carolyn.
• Our experienced Mum will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Vintage Tawny Port: sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Tags: funnyads

Prev: 6th Dec 2011 Amusing & Thought Provoking ...
Next: 6th Dec 2011 Tales Of Senior Citizens

6th Dec 2011 Amuzing & Thought Provoking

* Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

* How does the guy who drives the snow-plough get to work in the mornings?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* How do I set my laser printer on stun?

* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same material?

* If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

* And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

* I poured Spot remover on my dog by accident. Now he's gone!

I forgot whether I had already posted this before. If I did, I am not apologising; a second laugh is just as good and healthy.

Tags: amusingthoughts

Prev: 5th Dec 2011 I Was Just Thinking ...
Next: 6th Dec 2011 Funny Small Ads On Newspapers

5th Dec 2011 I Was Just Thinking ...

The intrigue of economy ...

Thomas Jefferson was right. In 1802, the man who was the 3rd President of the United States and principal editor of the declaration of independence, said: 'The bankers are more dangerous than the army.'

Two centuries later, the Stock Market brokers of The City of London Alessio Rastani declared that 'Who really governs the world is Goldman Sachs.' He forecasts that commodities may rally 15 percent in the next 12 months, sticking with an “overweight” recommendation on raw materials and predicting Brent Crude may surge to highest level since 2008.

Last Friday I received a brief and brunt email from the bank which, in one single line, notified me that the interests for debates (giving back part of a sum of money to me) will from now increased from 5% to 6%. How come that while the Government sacrifices and cuts back salaries of the public servants, the interest for deposits is down half percent in Europe, the bank interests demanded from the savers are raised 1%?

We have lost ...

In the last ten years we have lost:

Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and now Jimmy Saville.

So now we have No Cash, No Jobs, No Hope and no bugger to Fix it!

Tags: thinkingoutloud

Prev: 5th Dec 2011 The Definition Of Cricket As Explained To Americans

5th Dec 2011 Definition Of Cricket As Explained To Americans

You need to pay close attention to this, Okay?

1) You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

2) Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

3) When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

4) When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

5) There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

6) When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

I am not American and I was very confused already at number 2! If you don't know anything about Cricket to begin with, bet you know even less now!

Tags: cricketrules

Prev: 4th Dec 2011 Giggles - Funny Old Goats
Next: 5th Dec 2011 I Was Just Thinking ...