- Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
- Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
- I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
- I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
- I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
- I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
- I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I lost a buttonhole...
- If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
- On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
- In Las Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
- I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
- I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
- I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.”
- A glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
- I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
- My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
- My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
- A metaphor is like a simile.
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