Wednesday, 1 August 2012

1st Aug 2012 The 10 Laws Of Computing ...

Aug 01A
** Ten Laws of Computing **

1. If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
2. When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
3. When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
4. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

** My Discovery Of 10 Other Laws **

1) The more acronyms on a page, the harder the topic is to understand.
2) Inside every program is a small module struggling to find a life of its own.
3) Developers get their programs working perfectly on their machines, but they forget that their potential customers may have very different computer environments.
4) Computer project teams avoid monthly progress reporting because it demonstrates their lack of progress.
5) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the abilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
6) You will never solve any computer problem if you are in a bad mood.
7) When troubleshooting computer problems, people always assume that problem is the most obscure combination possible. Whereas, in reality the fault is invariably the simplest fault.
8) Every computer program expands to fill all the available memory.
9) If a computer supplier says a part is interchangeable, for example tape drives - they lie.
10) Remember that your computer makes as many mistakes in two Pico seconds as fifty men working for a year.
 

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1st Aug 2012 People Are Crazy, Or Elephants Are ...

Aug 01
** The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.
 
'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'

The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'

'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.
'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'

'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'

** What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill?
'Pack your trunk and clear out.'

** Nick is standing at the customs desk at the ferry port with a large crate. 

'Anything to declare, jewellery, alcohol, livestock?' barks the Customs officer. 'Nothing', replies Nick. 

The Customs officer opens the crate, and there inside is an elephant between two slices of bread. 'I thought you said no livestock?' explodes the customs officer.

Nick looks at him with surprise and answers mildly, 'What's it to you what I have in my sandwiches?'

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