Wisdom - Sarcasm

** If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road. ** Transvestite -- A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary ** The difference between the Pope and your boss -- the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. ** My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. ** The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. ** I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. ** It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too. ** A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. ** Teenager -- God's punishment for our having enjoyed sex. ** My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.** As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. Tags:wisdom,Sarcasm Current Mood: Awake

Wiseman's Wisdom & My Own Observations

• Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything.
• Be such a man, and live such a life, that if every man were such as you, and every life a life like yours, this earth would be God's Paradise.
• Men can acquire knowledge, but not wisdom. Some of the greatest fools ever known were learned men.
• Nowadays people can be divided into three classes -- the haves the have-nots and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.
• Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
• Somebody figured it out -- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.
• Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
• There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.
• The one self-knowledge worth having is to know one's own mind.
• The force of the blow depends on the resistance. It is sometimes better not to struggle against temptation. Either fly or yield at once.
• The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring.
• Periods of tranquillity are seldom prolific of creative achievement. Mankind has to be stirred up.
• Without adventure civilization is in full decay.
• Common sense is genius in homespun.
• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
• True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information.
• Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
• The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
• Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.

Tags:Wisdom,Observations

Current Mood: Awake

How Rich Is Rich?

** How rich is rich? The story is told that Lord Rothschild and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation, they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. But there was only one of these cars in the showroom. The sales manager heard what was going on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen. If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other branch here within 45 minutes.” “OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.” When they returned to the showroom, there stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir Isaac took out his chequebook but, before he could open it, Lord Rothschild waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are on me – you paid for the coffees.” ** Results count A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses. Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London." Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years." Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb, "that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silk robe and golden staff?" "Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed." Tags:RollsRoyce,Heaven

Current Mood: Amused

Growing Older Or Getting Old

Growing Older ...

• Now that I am older, this is what I discovered ...
• I started out with nothing ... and I still have most of it.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It really is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• The first rule of holes; if you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optionalWhen I was young, I would go out and sow my wild oats, then I would pray for a crop failure. But when did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

How do you know you are getting old?

• You've found yourself discussing the weather.
• You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
• As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
• Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
• The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
• You can pack two suits, five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.
• You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
• Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
• On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "Hot oil, a little friction, and squealing", you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing on Monday morning.

Tags:growingolder

Current Mood: Amused