I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord ... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Tags: weddingtest

Prev: 12th Feb 2012 Comic Tragedy

12th Feb 2012 Comic Tragedy

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. 

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. 

"I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."

Tags: scrotum, sternum

Prev: 11th Feb 2912 Black Humour - Probably Just Black ...

12th Feb 2012 Black Humour - Probably Just Black

Tags: blackhumour

Prev: 12th Feb 2012 The Fisherman, The Drunks & Burger King

12th Feb 2012 The Fisherman, The Drunks & Burger King

Where Are WE? ~

A British couple, Sonia and Ray, from Manchester were driving across Wisconsin one holiday and were nearing a town with the name of Oconomowoc. They discussed such a strange and funny name and decided that the sign was probably written by someone playing a joke.

As they drove into town Sonia and Ray continued their conversation about the pronunciation of such an unusual name. They pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, Ray said to the waitress, 'My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out the name of this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.'

The waitress looked at him, somewhat perplexed and said, 'Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.'

The Drunks ~

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, 'Where do you live?'

'Nowhere,' the first drunk slurs.

'And where do you live?' he asks the other.

'We're neighbours.' 

Gone Fishing ~

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

 

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" Asked the salesman?

"So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them." said Alex.

 

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon."

"Why’s that?" 

 

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight." replied the fishmonger with a grin.

 

Tags: drunks, fishing, burgerking

Prev: 11th Feb 2012 In The Mood For Burger