Cat Story

** Washer ~

Alan's tomcat Washer was heard running up and down the alley for hours. Ian, his neighbour phoned Alan and asked what was happening. Alan replied:

"Well, I had Washer neutered today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements."

** Homing Cat ~

Michael really hated his wife Patricia's cat. So he decided to get rid of it for good. He put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled in the driveway, he noticed the cat sitting in the entrance the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found it's way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find it's way and usually reaching home before he did.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off, and drove off as fast as dared.

Several hours later, he 'phoned Patricia:

'Darling, is the cat there?'.

'Yes,' she answered. 'Why?'

Michael replied bitterly: 'Put that flippin' animal on the 'phone. I'm lost and need directions.'

Tag:Cats

• Current Mood: Amused

Murphy's Law (& Order)

* Murphy's Law - Always strikes on Friday ~
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.

I have traced 'Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.

*As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended ~

** If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

** If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.

** When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.

** The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.

** When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.

** Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.

* Examples of Murphy's Law ~

** Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.

** The worst pupil in any class will be a school governors' son.

** Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.

** Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.

* Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself ) ~

** Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

** If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.

** You always need more paint.

** You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

** The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

** Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

** To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.

Tag:Murphy'sLaw

• Current Mood: Chipper

Sex Lesson And The Easiest Way To Die

** The Sex Lesson ~

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him about sex.

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He covers a wide and varied assortment of topics and sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

 

** Easiest Way To Die ~
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die 10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!

** What Would Confuse A Mentally Challenged Person?

Answer: A pineapple. Confused...? I knew you would be!

** How To Catch A Squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS!

 

** How to dispatch off a man you never want to see again?

Say: I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have lots of your babies - they leave skid marks.

Tags:SexLesson,Squirrel

• Current Mood: amused