When Insults Are Witty & Classy ...

When Insults Had Class ... These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."- Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."- Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."- Groucho Marx Tags:ClassyInsults

Current Mood: Amused

Who Is The 1st Gentleman?

In the 'family' photo of the G-20 summit in London, there were 27 gentlemen and 3 Ladies: Queen Elizabeth of England, The President of Argentine, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, and the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel. In the other photos the 13 ladies were presented as first ladies of their respective countries, visiting the Opera House in the British capital. Those absent in some parts were the consorts of female governmental heads. It's the custom of America, both in the north as in the south continent, that the wives of presidents accompany their husbands on official travels abroad. This custom has over the years extended to other countries and continents. But it's not infrequent in recent years, when the president or prime minister is a lady. This presents a little problem for the correct denomination. Sometimes the matter gets even somewhat complicated, like in the case of Argentine, when the president Cristina Fernandez was previously wife of President Nestor Kirchner. Should we continue to address him as president, ex president, or president consort? Or, in the strict symmetry, 'First gentleman'? Hillary Clinton was close to becoming the title tenant of the White House, after her husband with that same title. How would we call Bill Clinton, had she not been converted to state secretary, simplifying the delicate matter of official protocol. The Spanish Constitution maintains certain lexical discrimination. In it's article 58, it's established that 'the queen consort or the consort of the queen can not assume constitutional functions ...; it doesn't say the king consort, the equivalent of queen consort, but the consort of the queen, which seems of a lower grade. None of these is important. I am never one for too much formality, just my personal observation; thinking out loud. Tags:1stLady,1stgentlemen,Consort

Current Mood: Confused

I Can't Find My Sex Drive!

I had come across the term cyber sex a few times and decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel...

Then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one.

I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman.

I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked if I was trying to get smart with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone.

She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away. Huh, she could have simply said they had none in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive.

I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me, said something about me trying to kill him.

"You're killing me!" Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock. I wasn't trying to kill him; I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.

He mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it." Something like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away.

Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they are sold in stores; maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it.

Then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

Tags:cybersex

Current Mood: Awake

Some Jokes Are Sillier Than Others

** The Farmer

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in that the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,

"Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"

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** The Doctor

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

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** My Job Description

"What is your job?"

"I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

Tags:farmer,doctor,job

Current Mood: Amused

The Lonely Planet

Maureen Wheeler, born in Belfast in 1950, had come to Spain to collect the Communication Prize awarded by the Spanish Geographic Society. She well deserved it. This woman is responsible for the travel guide 'The Lonely Planet', has seen under heavy rain in some God forsaken village in some remote country, without a bed to fall dead in. Lonely Planet is the best friend of thousands of rucksack travellers, a Bible that many follow to the letter. "It's a travel guide, not a route map." she emphasized. 

The Lonely Planet had then reached 100 million copies, 5 of which in Spain. An empire started one afternoon in October of 1970 when she was 20 years old. Belfast was then a very depressing city, so she came to London. Within 5 days she found work as secretary in a company that imported wine. She was happy. One day she went to Regent's Park and saw a young man sitting on a bench, but she sat down there anyway. She thought: if the man starts talking to her, she would simply ask him to leave her in peace. He must have spoken; they are still speaking now, as husband and wife.

Tony and Maureen. The writer and the business woman. The visionary and the pragmatic. With 22 and 26 years the couple travelled through Asia in an old Mini. After the Odyssey, fed up with responding the many doubts of people, she wrote 'Across Asia on the cheap', never thought that would turn out to be a great business. The key moment was in 1980, with 'The guide of India'. It took her 15 months. Had it not worked, they would have lost everything. But, 50,000 copies were sold in just one month.

Since then, the whole thing just took off, growing bigger and bigger. 'It's like a son who is now flying on his own.' she said. They have a son and a daughter, Tashi (benediction in Tibetan) and Kieran (black prince in Irish). She likes to travel, Kieran no. 

Few years ago BBC Worldwide acquired 75% of Lonely Planet and employed 350 writers from all over the world. One of them, Thomas Kohnstamm, scandalized many travellers by denouncing that she had written the guide of Colombia without ever having set foot in that country. Wheeler, usually calm, retorted that one has only to revise the historical part; nobody expects you to actually go there. 

Wheeler travels now 3 months a year, considering travelling a challenge that makes one feel alive. "Each day is new and real." Sometimes the couple would follow one of' their guides to see whether it's well written and sufficiently informative. Tony was writing the guide 'From Tanzania to Malaui' on a bicycle. He was furious not able to find a hotel, because all were full of reporters following Madonna, who was there to adopt a child. "The planet has changed!' he says wistfully.

Tags:lonelyplanet