If You Have A Cat ...

Cat owners know it's no child's play giving a pill to a cat when it's occasionally under the weather. Follow these instructions ~ ??

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby, Position right fore finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa, Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage, put door back on hinges. Apply cold compass to cheek, check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and tie tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, allow doctor to stitch fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home and order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR DOG A PILL ~
Wrap it in bacon. He would even wag his tail like mad!

Tags:cat,dog,pill

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