Mark Twain Humour

• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.


• A man connot be comfortable without his own approval.


• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.


• Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.


• An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't done before.


• Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.


• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a mistake.


• I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.


• By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity - another man's I mean.


• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


• Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.


• Do something every day that yo don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.


• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.


• Illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.


• Education; that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.


• Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.


• Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.


• Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.


• Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.


• Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.


• Humour is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.


• I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.


• I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.


• I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.


• I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.


• I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.


• I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.


• I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

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