British Humour

Tourist: Can you tell me the way to Bath please? Policeman: Well, first you turn on the hot and cold taps then ... Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged. Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith. There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey. A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that." "Why not?" asked the customer. "Because that's my husband." A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says 'Can I have fish and chips twice please?' The shop owner says, 'I heard you the first time.' A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the fancy dress ball." "You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. "Well," mused Pat, "It's life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Johnny. "Its wise never to book a judge by his cover." A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday.' A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden ... After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him... "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.. "Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes Sir", replied the young fellow," But my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one"... A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, "but I think it's the one in the coffin." Tags:britishhumour

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