- Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
- Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
- Chastity is curable, if detected early.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
- There's no future in time travel.
Tags: sarcastic, contradictory
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