8th Nov 2011 Remembering Tommy Cooper & His Humour

• Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
• Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
  The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
  The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
• Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
• Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
  So he gave me a kite.
• I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
  So I went, and I got it.'
• I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
  Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
• A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

• 'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are... '

• Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

• A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
• A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
  Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'
• Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'
  And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
• 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'
  'It's not unusual.'
• 'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
  I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said ... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
  I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

 

Tags: humour, tommycooper

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