- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- The farther away the future is, the better it looks.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
- The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
- Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- He is depriving some poor village of its idiot.
- I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
- The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.
- At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
- If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
- For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
- I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
- My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
- The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.
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