Sometime this year, we taxpayers will/may receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is very exciting and I'll explain it by using Q & A.
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a wee bit of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase something expensive, e.g. a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. Doesn't that just stimulate the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some advice on how to help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the Stimulus money at Tesco, your money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you buy a computer or hi-tech gadgets, the money will go to India or China.
*
If you decide to live healthier by buying more fruit and vegetables,
the money will go to African and South American countries.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you buy useless odds and ends, it will go to China.
*
If you pay off your credit cards, it will go to British Banks for
bonuses but they will send it offshore to avoid tax and to buy foreign
property.
So, how can you actually help the UK economy? Keep the money in the UK by: -
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going out clubbing, or
3) Spending on prostitutes, or
4) Buying beer or Whisky, or
5) Getting a tattoo, (These are the only British business still operating in the U.K.) or
5) Getting a tattoo, (These are the only British business still operating in the U.K.) or
6) Betting on the horses.
Conclusion: Be patriotic -
Go
to a night club with a tattooed prostitute you met at a car boot sale
and drink beer or Scotch all night, then put any cash you have left on
the favourite in the 3.30 at Sandown Park !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could help our economy.
Next: 21st Feb 2012 An Irresistible Ad.
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