** Never try to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig. 
** Cats know more than they let on.
** Beginning a sentence, "Now, don't get angry..." will always have the reverse effect.
** You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
** Never ever mix sleeping pills and laxatives.
** Never go to Dudley. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.
** Nobody has ever read the small print of a mobile-phone insurance contract.
** There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
** Too many cooks spoil the TV schedules.
** Nothing productive can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at two in the afternoon.
** There's nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn't buy from a man in a pub.
** You can live your life through a computer.
** Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit ... but it's still funny.
** People who say, "I'm beside myself," are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.
Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.
The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine.
Ricky commented, "They use that dog to control sightseers."
"No," said Tony, "he's just for good luck."
But Leroy knew better,
"No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!" Tags:true,false,wit,fun
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